10 Random Things 10.12.16

1. I’ve been feeling really guilty lately. For being alive, for being depressed, for complaining about this hole in my roof while being lucky enough to have a roof over my head. And friends who come over and tarp it without you asking them to.

2. Darian is 5’6″ tall, when I found out I was really excited. He’s growing. He’s taller than both of his moms and the same height as his dad. Then I realized that he’s 5’6″ and in this country he could be mistaken for a man. A black man. So he went from being officially the same height as his dad to officially public enemy number one in a matter of moments. All in my head. Where I keep the things I dare not say. 

3. I really really really fucking want this fellowship. Like stupid dumb crazy want. AB says that since I’ve applied I need to move on and work on the other writing things that I need to be working on and to give those things my focus. Which I have. But I’m also internally fretting over whether I will get it or not. 

4. I wish that I were closer to my siblings. Sometimes being in my self appointed isolation gets old. 

5. Candida is the devil.

6. My grandma is lying to me about her cancer. She keeps saying that everything is wonderful while she is losing weight and showing other signs of deconditioning. I love her dearly for those lies.

7. I allowed myself to start wanting things. I now feel like I am in a perpetual state of wantingness. (I am aware that I just made that word up.)

8. I’m tired of being so aware of my blackness. It’s 2016. The promise was that we would be so much further by now. They lied.

9. I really want some ice cream. See number 5. Life.

10. I’m reading Small Great Things by Jodie Picoult. So far it is amazeballs. I hope she doesn’t fuck this up. 

Love, peace, and hair grease. 

2 thoughts on “10 Random Things 10.12.16”

  1. Cyn Hanrahan McCollum says:
    Reply

    1. You have good friends who will help you;
    2. Last year when i met Darian he was my height and I was afraid for him then.
    3. You are more than qualified fpr this fellowship, and deserve it.
    4. My siblings don’t like me at all. The feeling is mutual.
    5. Candida is the devil.
    6.Your grandma is a loving woman who is ready to meet her maker with an open soul.
    7. Wantingness is a good word. You get to want things.
    8. You are beautiful. It’s us white who are lagging behind. I am ashamed of that.
    9. Publix has either Haagen Daz or Ben & Jerry’s for BOGO most weeks, though this week they had Klondike.
    10. I usually read behind you, from the library. I’ll watch for your review.

    Adrien, you are a lovely, normal, beautiful woman living in a terrible time. If I could make it better, I would.

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