Dear Auntie, You Can Stop Coming Now.

Sooo my friend is coming. Actually she’s not really my friend. She’s my aunt. You know the type, the know it all bourgeoise aunt, who  always shows up when you would rather not deal with her. The one you don’t leave alone with your baby because she might pinch him? Yeah that one. She’s on her way here as we speak. According to my Moontime app she’s not even supposed to be here until the 25th but I don’t believe it. I can feel her coming. I’m extra sensitive, I have a hormonal headache, and I’m craving EVERY DAMN THING.

Earlier today I was driving down Dale Mabry and even though this chick only visits a few days out of every month she knew exactly where all of the bullshit to eat was. Oh turn that way lets go to Cold Stone. Whoops you passed it lets get a milkshake from PDQ. Slow down you can still get a milkshake from Steak and Shake, you just told Ashley last night that you wanted one of those. OK OK OK you know you need to stop at the Mini Donut Company. It’s not even that bad for you. How many calories could a Mini Donut even have?

I’m not even going to discuss the other indicators of her impending visit here, in mixed company but let’s just say that some things are extra extra full. Like I woke up and they’d easily gained three pounds each. It’s like I’m carrying a set of twin watermelons. And they are so tender. It’s for real so annoying. Especially because I’m a lesbian with a child. I’ve done my service to the earth by procreating and I’d give anything  (most anything) for this Auntie to stop showing up.

This morning I started having cramps and I don’t have regular people cramps. I have crawl on the floor, lay in the fetal position, nothing stops the pain except for 1600mg of Motrin, cramps.

And since I’ve already told you all of my business I might as well tell you that she ruins my clothes so much that I am the Queen of peroxide and baking soda and will often times sleep with a towel in my bed. Yup that’s right, a married woman sleeps with a towel in her bed because after all of these years of dealing with this auntie she has come to realize that no company has created a solution strong enough to deal with her aunt. Yes Ultra Tampax I’m talking to you. My auntie saw you and she laughed her ass off before saying “Check mate,” and owning you.


You might think I’m rude to talk about her like this on such a public forum but since I was eleven years old she’s been ruining things, making me sick to the point where on more than one occasion my mother told me that if she didn’t know any better she would think that I was pregnant. Actually I’ve only had 18 or so months of reprieve from my aunty’s uninvited bullshit since she first started visiting. Once when I carried my son and once when I carried my friend’s daughter. And since I’ve been there, done that, got the extra fat to prove it, I’m not going to be using that remedy ever again.

So if you see her before I do could you please please please let her know that she’s not welcome here anymore.

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