Tag: change

I’m Terrified 

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I’m terrified

Of Love

Of the way it changes everything.

Builds them into crescendos 

Then drop kicks them into black holes millions of light years away.

I’m terrified 

Of people.

Their ability to make you feel things.

To love you.

To stop loving you.

To suffocate you with their love until you no longer resemble the person they loved in the first place.

I’m terrified 

Of art. Of my heart. Of artists and surgeons and architects. Of brilliance. Of passion. Of everyone finding out that I have absolutely no idea about anything or anyone.

I’m terrified. 

Of change. Of nothing ever changing. Of words. And the world. Of light and sound. Of sounds. Especially laughter. Especially the laughter of the ones I love.

I’m terrified 

Of the ones I love. Of lost. Of possibility. Of brilliance. Of mattering. Of pain. Of my restrictions. Of myself. Of people who say shit like “there’s nothing to fear except fear itself.” When I’m so terrified of every single thing, especially fear itself. 
9/30 I have been writing every day I’m just terrified of sharing certain pieces. I’m only sharing this one because I’m terrified. #NaPoMo 

Same Stuff Different Day

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I’m still nursing. People come in and sit around fidgeting while they wait for their issues to be diagnosed. Sometimes, when appropriate I make them laugh. I relate to them. I let them know that this isn’t anything that any of us really want to deal with.

In my head, as all nurses do, I diagnose them: rheumatoid arthritis, liver problems, diabetes. I don’t say anything even when they begin to share their ailments because we all take the vow not to diagnose people. No matter how much training we have we aren’t skilled enough to diagnose people.

It’s the same. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a mechanic. I don’t tell them that I think that their brakes are bad or that what they’re describing sounds like their power steering pump is going out.

I use my training to  let trained people do what they are trained to do and when they give me the go ahead I break the bad news. I sit next to people or I stand behind the counter, depending on what the customer needs. I try to break it to them easily, gently. No one wants to hear that their compressor, the heart of the ac system isn’t working. No one wants to hear that because they didn’t come in for their regularly scheduled check ups a simple thing has gotten out of control and they now need a new rotor, transmission, engine.

I’m still nursing. I left nursing but I am still nursing. Still taking care of people.

There’s Enough Activism For All of Us Stop Throwing SHade

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unnamed.jpgI’m very aware of the things that I say out of my mouth, through my pen, or by virtue of my keyboard. I’m mindful of the pictures, books, images, audio- the everything that I both put into  or out of my body. Which is why you will be hard pressed to see me share horrible videos or images. I never need to see the body of a dead person in order to empathize with their families. I don’t need to watch the video of someone being murdered in order to feel like the value that we as a society places on humans is far too little. I don’t believe that police nor civilians deserve to die. And I don’t spend my time sharing any of this on the internet.

Sometimes, on very rare occasions I wonder if people notice my silence. If they assume that I feel one way or the other. If they judge me because I’m not posting my outrage on the internet.

Sometimes, on very rare occasions I wonder if my absence is noted at the town halls or on the picket lines. If people judge me because I very rarely attend these types of things.

And then I wake up and remember that while some people are social media warriors and spreading knowledge on the internet my feet are actually on the ground. I have been doing things like putting on our Back to School Bash and Girl Talk in The Park for years. I have donated numerous times to  way too many causes to name. Food, money, clothes, utilizing my network, etc etc etc. Most of the time without so much as a share from those same social media warriors. AND I don’t judge them. I understand that there is enough activism for all of us.

Whether you choose to be an internet activist or get your feet on the ground in your own town your work matters. We are all doing the work.This world/ our community needs the work of multiple people supporting multiple causes in multiple ways. Each of these causes is important and each of these people, no matter which way they choose to support them is important. The separation that is currently happening over who is the bigger activist and whose activism is better is utterly ludicrous and I for one wish that we would support each other as easily as we shade or look down on each other.I mean seriously don’t we all have BIGGER things to do?

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On Taking A Break

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Lately I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with the state of the world. I’ve always been really sensitive about what’s going on in my community and in the world. Like most little girls I planned to change the world by solving some major human problem when I grew up. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say that I am doing the work. On a daily basis I am making strides to help solve issues in my community.

The work of an activist of any kind can often be emotionally tolling. Many activists suffer from burn out, nervous breakdowns, and even suicide. So it’s very important to take time out to relax, treat yourself and get your mind focused. Which I’ve been trying to do since Girl Talk in The Park was completed. The event was a success but very challenging and heavy to pull off.

Except, my social media accounts don’t really allow for mental breaks. I’m constantly bombarded with the ills of the world, America in particular.

I don’t watch the news because it is inundated with the negative aspects of what humans do to each other. For many years this has been my stance and my salvation. Besides most of the news stations don’t really share the news. When’s the last time you heard a real report about global warming?

All of the stations seem to share the same things that humans seem to love, Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, and Police Brutality. Throw in racism, children being arrested for being children, and any new technology that’s on the horizon and you’ve got yourself a piece guaranteed to bring in the ratings.

For me, That’s what my social media accounts have begun to look like, click bait. High interest topics designed to elicit a reaction. And honestly I’m cool with it. I strongly believe that people should share what they want to share on their accounts. However, It doesn’t work for me. I don’t always want to read about the horrors of the world. In fact I would much rather go back to the days when people filled their pages with pictures of their new babies and their latest vacations. Anything to get me away from the many many social media activists. People who sit behind their computers and thoughtlessly share pictures and videos of people being horrible to each other. Who share news articles about politicians being straight out racists without talking a quick jaunt over to snopes to verify that tmz- anything is a bootleg version of The Onion. All the while being noticeably missing from doing the actual footwork in their community. I.E. Tampa peeps what have you done about the widening of 275?

I’m not judging… just asking

So I’m taking a break. I won’t be back on my personal Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter Accounts until May 1st and prior to that I’m going to go on a massive unfollowing spree. More than likely if you share fight videos or old news about something the KKK did ten years ago claiming it happened last week,  we’ll still be friends but I just won’t have your shares clogging up my news feed.

I’m also going to take the time to work on my novel, take lots of naps, work on my house, spend REAL and PRESENT time with my family, go to the beach, and read sooooo many books. If you have my number I hope that you’ll reach out to me and connect with me in the real live world.

In the mean time I wish you peace, love, and loads of laughter.

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Adrien

How You Learn To Hate Yourself or When I Realized That My Lips Were Big

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So I just posted a selfie on IG and when I looked at it I realized how large my lips were. Funny thing: I have never thought that my lips were large. I’ve never paid them any attention except to apply some Chapstick. If you know me you know lipstick is such a rare occasion that I don’t even own any.

Anyways, I never thought of how large my lips were until there was this huge racist uproar on MAC Cosmetics IG. And even then I didn’t say anything. I guess I just sort of absorbed it.

That selfie made me think of all of the parts of my body that I’ve thought were too much. And when exactly that happened, like my breasts… They became too large when it was cooler to have smaller perky breasts. Anything larger than a hand full was too much. That’s what the media has shown us for so long. Until getting larger boobs became a thing. Even then the media loves those perky fake ones over us heavy full breasted girls.

I know I know you’re like Adrien what are you talking about but this is how women especially black women begin to internalize hatred for aspects of themselves. I don’t hate my lips but now I know that they’re large. *shrugs* Now I know they match my Michael Jackson Nose.

Also,  I keep seeing my “social media friends” mention how they are so over the talk about racism and this and that and why don’t black people get over things that happened in the past.

Sidebar: Acknowledge your privilege. You can turn it off.

But the reason we can’t just get over it, whatever IT is, is because the past is today. It’s because being a black woman in America means that at any given moment a portion of your body can become unacceptable, too much, and ugly while it is lauded and applauded after someone else purchases it.

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I Hate People

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I hate people. I’m not supposed to say that. I’m not living in the world of the ordinary and so I suppose I am supposed to love everyone… but for real, authentically; and that’s who I proclaim to be, I FUCKING hate people.

WHY:

People are selfish

People are inconsistent

People only show up for you when they can gain something from you

People are people

But as I reflect on this I realize that we create these relationships with people. We teach them how to treat us, we let them know what they can expect from us, we accept their bullshit and we keep going back for more. We are addicted to whatever good feelings they give us so no matter what they put us through we keep playing their game.

So what then? It is statistically improbable that you can live an amazing life all alone and never depend on another person for anything. Name one person whose life you admire. Now look up their support system. Not one of those people is able to live that life without a significant amount of encouragement and support. We as people need people to survive.

Ok so now what Adrien, You’re going back and forth you hate people but you need them. What are you even talking about?

I’m talking about loving people as they are and making the necessary changes you need to survive. You can love your mother and be free of whatever pisses you off about her. Tell her what that is and get over it. The same goes for your best friend. Your aunt. Your mailman. Whoever. Have a conversation where you let them know what the issue is. Let them know that you’re not blaming them, you’re just informing them of what doesn’t work for you. From there move on. Strengthen your relationship or if that relationship no longer serves you let it go. There’s nothing wrong with ending a friendship that is no longer working for any of the people involved. Hell, Beyonce just fired her whole damn management team.

Oh yeah, And this is my When I get rich “You wasn’t with me when I was shooting in the gym.” Post

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The Face You Make When You Say Something Crazy On The Internet

 

12 Commandments of Happy Adrien

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Cleaning my office I found a list of commandments that I created for myself while reading  Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. I’m posting them here because I find a lot of inspiration from others and maybe you do too.

  1. Be Adrien
  2. Let it GO!
  3. Act they way you want to feel.
  4. Do it not.
  5. Be Polite. Be Fair.
  6. Enjoy the process.
  7. Spend Out
  8. Identify the problem.
  9. LIGHTEN UP.
  10. Do what needs to be done.
  11. No calculation.
  12. There is only one life. LIVE IT!!!

Life- 300 Word Story

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Life

Life. This isn’t supposed to be her life. Her youngest is thirteen. She was almost done.

Life; Now is driving children from place to place. Is school, basketball practice, doctor’s appointments in the middle of the day. Is rushing home for foster care visits.

Life is trading in her silver Audi; the one she got for twenty-five years of marriage; for a shiny black Lincoln Navigator to tote grandchildren, grandnieces, and grandnephews in.

Audi’s don’t fit two car seats, two booster seats, and two more seats where her daughter and grandson will argue over who has shotgun. Audi’s don’t fit her life; don’t fit her “I was almost done with this damn fight for shotgun.” Don’t fit her quick reminders spoken more to herself “But I love my grandkids.”

“Life, these kids don’t think about anyone’s lives but their own.” She might say if you catch her at the right moment. If you can catch her in between all of the newfound duties that seem to have taken over her life.

She is almost done with some of the duties. The grandkids will convert from fosters to adoptees. This will lead to less regulation, less appointments, and more time for her to enjoy her new life.

If you can catch up with her she will probably be wearing athletic gear; black tights, black top, bright shoes. They’re slimming. They’re fun. “If I’m dressed for working out I can sneak a work out in. I need to lose some weight to save my life. These kids got my blood pressure high 150/105.”

Not her grandkids, grandniece, or nephew. The ones who lost them to the system; her son-3, her husband’s niece -2. The one’s whose irresponsibility changed, for better or worse, her life.

I Have Something To Say

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I have something to say. This isn’t something new. If you’ve known me long enough you know that I rarely if ever am at a lack of words.

I haven’t really been talking though. Of course I’ve been commenting on certain subjects occasionally. I’ve been watching what’s happening in the world and talking to myself about how I feel about them. I’ve been talking AB’s ears off and venting to my friends. I’ve even been filling up journals…Yet, I have this amazing open platform, all of the technology one could ever need to access it and I haven’t really been saying anything on here.

I felt like I didn’t have anything to add to the conversations.

Like I wasn’t intelligent enough to string my sentences in a way that would make people feel things. In a way that would foster some sort of change. Even if the change were small.

Most embarrassingly; I have been holding my tongue so as to not offend my friends and family members with my view points on certain issues.

The greatest gift that I received from Roxane Gay’s talks during the Decatur Book Festival was the confirmation that “I have something to say.”  and that people need to hear it.

So on Authentically Adrien’s first birthday I’m revamping the blog. It’s going to be more organized, more direct, and I am going to be saying some things. If you’ve stuck with me this long I am so thankful for you.

I appreciate every single person who has ever even glanced at this blog. I hope that you stick around to listen to what I have to say.

Dope, A Nineties Kid’s Wet Dream Come True

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Last night I had the pleasure of seeing an advanced screening of the movie Dope. One sentence review? Dope is Dope as Fuck.

First, Dope is not set in the nineties but the leading character’s obsession with the era is displayed in their dress, way of talk, and the music that they love to listen to. The music led by Pharell Williams is definitely one of the best film soundtracks that I’ve heard in a very long while. Both the 90s hits and the original songs added to the Dopeness of this film.

Dope is a fast paced comedy reminiscent of The Wood, which was also directed by Rick Famuwiya, which tells the tale of three high school seniors; Malik, Diggy, and Jib and their epic adventure when they get mixed up with the wrong crowd.

The three teens who self identify as 90s obsessed geeks, have a punk band, and are all on the fast track to ivy league universities with straight A’s and high SAT scores are nothing like the inhabitants of their neighborhood. Their primary goals are to make it out of the hood alive with no arrest records. After Malik meets and develops a crush on a neighborhood drug dealers girlfriend Kia (played by the beautiful Zoe Kravitz), the three best friends are invited to a party, subsequently sucked into the drama of their neighborhood, and end up being forced to sale a large amount of Ecstacy in order to pay back the neighborhood kingpin. They team up with a computer hacker friend who teaches them to sell the drugs on the internet’s black market and the fun ensues.

Adding to the awesomeness of Dope is the fact that this film is not your typical coming of age drama, though these teens are forced to play a deadly game they play it their way which is both hilarious and brilliant, the social commentary including a discussion on who can say the N word (white people you can’t, just stop already) and the realization that Ivy League educations don’t always lead to greatness. The characters aren’t one dimensional and the portrayal of each shows you that people are a lot more than you ever think they are on the surface.

I almost forgot to mention how dope the cast was, be prepared for some great cameos including Tyga and ASAP Rocky who shocked me with his portrayal as the head of the neighborhood drug dealer. Like the main characters his character had a lot more depth and made you question how people end up in the positions they obtain in life.

I would not only pay to see this film again but I plan to own it when it’s released to purchase. Go see it and tell me what you think.

I was not paid for this review and all trademarks are the properties of their respective owners.