Tag: #family

Unpacking

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I’ve just returned from a writer’s retreat with one of my favorite writers in the world. We  worked on our respective projects in a townhouse in Orlando. 2.5 days of uninterruptedness focused solely on doing the work, on writing.

For me a part of writing is the unpacking of things. The novel that I’m currently working on is set in a fictionalized version of the town where my father is from in Southern NJ.

In the beginning of the story I’m nostalgic. I miss the Custard Ranch and Lake Nummy. I want to take my family there. At the Climax of the story I realize that I have all of these reasons why I never go to the family reunion, how I’m always too busy or “want to remember them how they were when they were alive” for funerals, and I realize that I haven’t really been back to my father’s town since the night that I was raped, in my aunt’s home, in my cousin’s bed. How that night pretty much changed everything. How my father’s reaction was the first time anyone broke my heart and how it taught me that no matter who says that they will always have my back, I can always only depend on me.

How after that night I haven’t spoken to my cousin since:
1: she didn’t believe me
2: she was naked in her bed so why did her man come and destroy me.

I realize that these thoughts too are rape culture.

I realize that that night in my father’s town was my introduction to rape culture and how it was the final lesson on why as a woman child I needed to learn to disappear.

I watch this election cycle and witness rape apologists question why Drump’s rape victim waited until she was an adult when the allegation happened when she was thirteen and I want to yell at them that the reason she waited all of this time doesn’t matter. Hell I told and not much happened to him. A person can have cuts and bruises on her vagina and people will still figure out a way to make the incident that person’s fault.

See the Stanford Victim.
See the women in the Holtzclaw case.
Witness the questions.

What were you wearing?
What were you drinking?
Did you laugh with him?
Like Nate Parker’s victim had the two of you been intimate in the past?
Why were you at the party, the club, his house, your aunt’s house.
Why were you doing whatever you were doing that made it possible for him/her/them to do what they did?
 The burden of the proof for alleged rape is on the complainant and anything that they say or do or don’t do or wear will be used against them in a court of law. 

Anything that they say or do or don’t do will be judged on the internet by a jury of the world. Their name and address may be leaked on Fox News.

After that night It would be many years before I would wear a bikini. I never drank in excess, especially if I wasn’t around a shit ton of people who could protect me. I didn’t experiment with drugs. Always walked to my car with one key sticking out of my fist. Took self defense classes. I was leary of all men and most women. I wouldn’t dress provocatively for many years- remember when I was in that jeans and t-shirt phase for a long ass time? That and so many things came out of that night.

A night when I went to sleep a teenager wearing a long nightgown and awoke to someone already inside of me. A temptress with perky breasts and no panties on. A night that taught me that the police don’t have the rape victim’s back in the ways portrayed on Law and Order. A night that would eventually lead to the first heartbreak of my life when my father didn’t believe me. Where I lost one of my best friends. Isn’t that a Facebook meme? How a cousin is your first best friend?

Writing is supposed to be cathartic but I didn’t enter the writing of this story hoping to get any relief from the events of my past. I’m a Landmark Grad. I’m over that. Or so I thought.  I went in to the writing of this story hoping to write a story about a girl who gets raped and portray the way the adults act in a manner that shows adults how they should respond to girls who are victimized in their lives.

I hoped to raise awareness.

I hoped to show other girls that they aren’t alone. To inspire them to tell someone. If that person doesn’t respond appropriately, to tell someone else. (I find that teachers are great people to tell. They will tell some shit and back you all the way up.)

I hoped so many things  that authors hope when they write novels centered on true events, mostly about lessons, and I still do. But now, I also hope to get the courage to go to my father’s hometown. To take my family to buy chicken tenders and french fries from the Custard Ranch with honey mustard. To convince AB to swim in the lake even though it is not the clear blue water that she prefers to swim in. To introduce DJ to cousins whose entire adult lives I’ve missed. To take back the power from my rapist. Because he did rape me. And  I did wake up with him already on top of me. Already inside of me. And I deserve to get back every single thing that he took on that day.

Gratitude List 10.13.16

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  1. My alarm sounds like the theme music from from a nineties video game. When it goes off AB complains that it is not soothing enough. I tell her that I don’t care. She proceeds to jump around our bedroom as if she is Mario from Super Mario Brothers making the noises, acting as if she ate a mushroom and has grown, and just being an all around character. A. She taught me to not care about certain things. B. I wish to be as free as she is but just watching her be free is plenty good for me. For now.
  2. Darian is oversleeping in his bedroom which is next to ours. He is alive, loved, and comfortable.
  3. Snapchat, it’s filters, my best friend’s stories.
  4. My mother’s hilarity and our text messages.
  5. On Sunday my father kissed my cheek and refrained from lecturing me on how to lose weight. I’m losing it. I obviously have it covered. I think he gets that.
  6. Today is the first day of my writer’s retreat. I plan to write, and write, and write, and write. With a little editing and planning thrown in for balance.
  7. My grandmother is alive she has lived through so many things and I’m getting better at preparing myself for when she is ready to be done with this earth.
  8. Friends who come to your job just to hug you and kiss your cheeks. Those are the best kinds.
  9. Cyn. Mystical, Warrior, Woman; full of grace and knowledge.
  10. That gospel song that goes “Woke me up this morning started me on my way.” that one. That happened.
  11. Love. It’s all we need.

Me Before You: A Lesson in Heartbreak

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As a constant reader your heart will be broken frequently. If you’ve been reading the way that I have been; constantly since I was four years old, then you are attuned to the impending heartbreak of a novel, usually from the moment that you open the book.

So when I opened Me Before You and met Lou I knew without a doubt that I was going to have my heart broken… splintered into a thousand teeny tiny pieces and I craved that heartbreak. Because the only way that my heart wouldn’t become broken would have been if the writer took the easy way out and made this story into one of those cliched, dreaded happy ending novels. You know the ones: girl meets assholish boy, girl changes/accepts boys assholish ways, and they live happily ever after.

Jojo Moyes does not disappoint. She has written a thoroughly researched novel about heartbreak, pain, love, and the transformation that all of these things will cause in a human’s life.

I know, I know, I’ve waxed on poetically and I haven’t even told you what the book is about. Probably because, I couldn’t describe it adequately in my current blubbery state but Goodreads does an amazing job:

“Lou Clark knows lots of things. She knows how many footsteps there are between the bus stop and home. She knows she likes working in The Buttered Bun tea shop and she knows she might not love her boyfriend Patrick.

What Lou doesn’t know is she’s about to lose her job or that knowing what’s coming is what keeps her sane.

Will Traynor knows his motorcycle accident took away his desire to live. He knows everything feels very small and rather joyless now and he knows exactly how he’s going to put a stop to that.

What Will doesn’t know is that Lou is about to burst into his world in a riot of colour. And neither of them knows they’re going to change the other for all time. ”

And oh how they change. The journey that they take along their transformation is both annoying (because seriously Lou stop being so damned self involved. and Really Will you don’t have to be such an asshole all of the time) and amazing (when you realize that Will is the first person who’s ever really seen Lou your heart will stop) and I enjoyed every second of it.

You will see this book touted as a love story, it isn’t. It is in fact a social commentary on euthananasia, quality of life, and whether someone should be able to decide for themselves what they should or should not do about their life if they are unhappy with it. It is also an example of what happens when one becomes stuck in  a certain lifestyle out of necessity and what can happen when one’s status quo abruptly changes.

As a nurse I struggled with the euthanasia subject because I have met people who have zero quality of life and are absolutely miserable, who are kept alive because someone loves them enough to think that they should be kept alive by any means necessary. And I’ve stated to myself and my co-workers how selfish those people are. BUT usually those people are older or not cognitively there. To be forced to face my prejudices on this subject with a young person who is fully there cognitively was such a great lesson for me.

There are a few areas where the author used her creative license ie: Louisa being hired to be someone’s companion even though she has no experience, the issues that Lou and her family have (two adult children arguing over clothes and who gets the bigger bed) but to me those things added to the story. Also my mother’s fully grown children still climb into her bed and are selfish as hell so *shrugs* I won’t ding her for those as I have seen others do. Besides if Louisa would have been the appropriate choice for the job Will would have never let her get so close to him and the story wouldn’t have progressed so I’m glad that he was the reason behind her growth.

For the first time in a long time I have used all of my stars and rated Me Before You 5 Stars!! ALL 5 of EM!

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If you’ve read it let me know if you loved it as much as I did in the comments. Especially if you’re a caretaker, nurse, or a person with disabilities. (I think she did a pretty good job of describing all of the BS people with disabilities go through but even though I’m a nurse I’m an AB so I’m not an authority on this. )

Oh and Spoiler ALERT! There is a movie adaptation coming out on June 3rd and it looks sooooo good. Check out the trailer here: Me Before You and remember to  #LiveBoldly

On Taking A Break

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Lately I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with the state of the world. I’ve always been really sensitive about what’s going on in my community and in the world. Like most little girls I planned to change the world by solving some major human problem when I grew up. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say that I am doing the work. On a daily basis I am making strides to help solve issues in my community.

The work of an activist of any kind can often be emotionally tolling. Many activists suffer from burn out, nervous breakdowns, and even suicide. So it’s very important to take time out to relax, treat yourself and get your mind focused. Which I’ve been trying to do since Girl Talk in The Park was completed. The event was a success but very challenging and heavy to pull off.

Except, my social media accounts don’t really allow for mental breaks. I’m constantly bombarded with the ills of the world, America in particular.

I don’t watch the news because it is inundated with the negative aspects of what humans do to each other. For many years this has been my stance and my salvation. Besides most of the news stations don’t really share the news. When’s the last time you heard a real report about global warming?

All of the stations seem to share the same things that humans seem to love, Donald Trump, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, and Police Brutality. Throw in racism, children being arrested for being children, and any new technology that’s on the horizon and you’ve got yourself a piece guaranteed to bring in the ratings.

For me, That’s what my social media accounts have begun to look like, click bait. High interest topics designed to elicit a reaction. And honestly I’m cool with it. I strongly believe that people should share what they want to share on their accounts. However, It doesn’t work for me. I don’t always want to read about the horrors of the world. In fact I would much rather go back to the days when people filled their pages with pictures of their new babies and their latest vacations. Anything to get me away from the many many social media activists. People who sit behind their computers and thoughtlessly share pictures and videos of people being horrible to each other. Who share news articles about politicians being straight out racists without talking a quick jaunt over to snopes to verify that tmz- anything is a bootleg version of The Onion. All the while being noticeably missing from doing the actual footwork in their community. I.E. Tampa peeps what have you done about the widening of 275?

I’m not judging… just asking

So I’m taking a break. I won’t be back on my personal Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter Accounts until May 1st and prior to that I’m going to go on a massive unfollowing spree. More than likely if you share fight videos or old news about something the KKK did ten years ago claiming it happened last week,  we’ll still be friends but I just won’t have your shares clogging up my news feed.

I’m also going to take the time to work on my novel, take lots of naps, work on my house, spend REAL and PRESENT time with my family, go to the beach, and read sooooo many books. If you have my number I hope that you’ll reach out to me and connect with me in the real live world.

In the mean time I wish you peace, love, and loads of laughter.

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Adrien

I Hate People

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I hate people. I’m not supposed to say that. I’m not living in the world of the ordinary and so I suppose I am supposed to love everyone… but for real, authentically; and that’s who I proclaim to be, I FUCKING hate people.

WHY:

People are selfish

People are inconsistent

People only show up for you when they can gain something from you

People are people

But as I reflect on this I realize that we create these relationships with people. We teach them how to treat us, we let them know what they can expect from us, we accept their bullshit and we keep going back for more. We are addicted to whatever good feelings they give us so no matter what they put us through we keep playing their game.

So what then? It is statistically improbable that you can live an amazing life all alone and never depend on another person for anything. Name one person whose life you admire. Now look up their support system. Not one of those people is able to live that life without a significant amount of encouragement and support. We as people need people to survive.

Ok so now what Adrien, You’re going back and forth you hate people but you need them. What are you even talking about?

I’m talking about loving people as they are and making the necessary changes you need to survive. You can love your mother and be free of whatever pisses you off about her. Tell her what that is and get over it. The same goes for your best friend. Your aunt. Your mailman. Whoever. Have a conversation where you let them know what the issue is. Let them know that you’re not blaming them, you’re just informing them of what doesn’t work for you. From there move on. Strengthen your relationship or if that relationship no longer serves you let it go. There’s nothing wrong with ending a friendship that is no longer working for any of the people involved. Hell, Beyonce just fired her whole damn management team.

Oh yeah, And this is my When I get rich “You wasn’t with me when I was shooting in the gym.” Post

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The Face You Make When You Say Something Crazy On The Internet

 

Brilliance; One Authors Take on Using Differences to Fuel Wars.

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One of my favorite things about reading is that authors have the ability to discuss world problems in a fictional way. If you’re a thinker and the author is a decent writer you begin to contemplate and compare real world events to the events of the book.

Marcus Sakey’s Brilliance pits Brilliants against Normals in a way that Gays vs Straights, Blacks vs Whites, or Christians vs Muslims happens everyday. It showcases examples of ways that governments capitalize on fear and people’s differences to create wars that benefit the governments. Mr. Sakey does a great job exhibiting in his writing how a few human lives are  sacrificed “for the greater good” in order to further  political plans.

As I read this book I kept thinking that  if more people could realize that these examples are happening everyday then we would stop allowing our countries to instill fear in us in order to further separate us and make it easier on them to satisfy their own crude agendas.17171909[2].jpg

This book is the epitome of “fiction is the truth in the lie” and I liked it so much that I just purchased book two.

Aside from the political undertone which was handled brilliantly, Brilliance is written really well, action packed, and exciting to read. I gave it four stars.

Life- 300 Word Story

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Life

Life. This isn’t supposed to be her life. Her youngest is thirteen. She was almost done.

Life; Now is driving children from place to place. Is school, basketball practice, doctor’s appointments in the middle of the day. Is rushing home for foster care visits.

Life is trading in her silver Audi; the one she got for twenty-five years of marriage; for a shiny black Lincoln Navigator to tote grandchildren, grandnieces, and grandnephews in.

Audi’s don’t fit two car seats, two booster seats, and two more seats where her daughter and grandson will argue over who has shotgun. Audi’s don’t fit her life; don’t fit her “I was almost done with this damn fight for shotgun.” Don’t fit her quick reminders spoken more to herself “But I love my grandkids.”

“Life, these kids don’t think about anyone’s lives but their own.” She might say if you catch her at the right moment. If you can catch her in between all of the newfound duties that seem to have taken over her life.

She is almost done with some of the duties. The grandkids will convert from fosters to adoptees. This will lead to less regulation, less appointments, and more time for her to enjoy her new life.

If you can catch up with her she will probably be wearing athletic gear; black tights, black top, bright shoes. They’re slimming. They’re fun. “If I’m dressed for working out I can sneak a work out in. I need to lose some weight to save my life. These kids got my blood pressure high 150/105.”

Not her grandkids, grandniece, or nephew. The ones who lost them to the system; her son-3, her husband’s niece -2. The one’s whose irresponsibility changed, for better or worse, her life.

You Don’t Hate Social Media, You’re Just Doing It Wrong. Ten Ways To Do It Right.

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Not a day goes by where I’m not privy to hearing someone spew their hatred for Social Media. Most times I just ignore it because depending on why a person is using  Social Media their hatred of it might not matter. If you are a brand or a business and you need to utilize it hating it is a serious problem. Below I’ve compiled a list of the most frequently heard complaints and how to address them.

1.”I just don’t get it there are so many people talking about things that I don’t care about. It’s so negative. I’m tired of seeing people’s pictures of their children.”

Regardless to why you have social media sites you don’t have to have a constant stream of everyone that your friends with in your stream. (At least on Facebook)You wouldn’t let your annoying cousin just come into your home anytime they felt like it; why would you allow them onto your FB feed so frequently?

The next time your cousin Jim posts a video of kids fighting, Click the little tab on the his post that looks like an inverted triangle. A box will open with different options: Hide Post, Unfollow, Report, Save, More. You want to unfollow that person. You will still be friends and when you want to catch up with that person you simply type their name into the search box, go over to their page, and catch up with what they’ve been doing. Easy Peasy.

For Twitter you will need an app that hides certain people from your timeline.

2. “I hate commenting because I’ll get a notification every time someone comments.”

If you’re getting emails of these notifications go to your Facebook setting and turn those off. Whenever you comment on someone’s status click the little inverted triangle at the top right corner of the post, scroll down and click turn off notifications for this post. (Be careful to click the right option; you don’t want to unfriend your Aunt Pat.)

3. “I don’t have any friends or followers.”

Follow people that you find interesting and be interactive. Share interesting things. Most people will follow you back. Don’t be afraid to ask people to follow you back.

4. “No one likes my statuses or shares my posts.”

Be yourself and share tidbits of who you are. Don’t constantly share things like BUY MY BOOK or PURCHASE MY PRODUCT. People want to have a relationship with you so focus on building relationships. Share interesting things about you and your industry.

5. “The sites are like a vacuum and take up way too much of my time.”

Again you wouldn’t go hang out in the park or community center all day. Treat these sites as if they are physical spaces, because technically they are. Pick a time when you’re going to log on, share, and be interactive and stick to it.

6. “I don’t have enough content to share to build a good base.”

The internet is a vast dumping ground for content. Most of it can be shared very easily as long as you give credit where credit is due.

7. “I don’t get twitter. I don’t want to create a twitter account. Do I need one?”

You need to be wherever your people are. Twitter is as important as Facebook for some industries and Twitter doesn’t suppress your posts like Facebook does. It does take some time and energy to build a following base but to whom much is given, much is expected. Schedule some time to get interactive and to build on there and get to building. Also Hootsuite can be your best friend. (Though you should not solely depend on Hootsuite to build your entire fan/followerbase.)

8.”The people who I really want to see my posts don’t see them.”

That’s what the tag is for. I don’t tag all of my friends in everything but if I’m sharing something that I think they’d like or I want them to see it then I tag them in it. That way I can guarantee that they see it.

9.”Seriously I really don’t have the time. I need a Social Media Manager but I can’t afford it.”

Most companies (including mine) offer smaller packages for those on stringent budgets. Just be aware that smaller packages usually equal less interaction on the SMM’s part and will require work on your part. Also look around you, do you have access to interns or little cousins who are good at social media? Utilize them. They won’t get the same results as a professional but you’d be surprised at how well they’ll do. Kitchen Table used a teenage intern over the summer and she was AMAZING.

10. “I don’t feel connected to people. ”

Anything that has the word social in it is about connecting but if it’s face to face contact you crave then initiate it. Facebook isn’t keeping your friends away from you. More than likely their lives are, which is why so many people love social media. It’s a way to connect when you don’t have time for face to face. Use your social media sites to initiate contact. The next time Judy posts a picture of her new haircut say  “Oh I love what you did with your hair. I can’t wait to see it in person. Let’s do lunch Friday.”  If your friends can’t or won’t hang out with you in person after you tell them then the problem isn’t social media…

Social Media is not going away. In today’s market place some companies won’t even talk to you unless you have an active thriving social media presence. Being active and creating a presence is a lot easier than people make it out to be. Make it work for you not the other way around.

If you don’t need it for your business or to build your brand then delete it. But even people who write blog posts about hating Social Media have share tabs linked to their social media sites so who are they kidding?

To The People Who Came For Sandra Bullock In Regards to Her Fear For Her Son: No.

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When you write a whole blog post to a white mother of a black child and try to minimize her fear for her child because she’s white you’re starting to hop over the fence into the territory of those you so desperately proclaim to be better than.

Sandra Bullock has every right to fear for her child as much as any black mother does. As much as any mother does. That’s what mothers do best, Fear. For which they then try to protect.

In fact isn’t it fair to say that the two fears aren’t really comparable? Her fear is not the same as ours, it’s a different type of fear because she only knows what the media says. What she’s seen in movies, watched on TV, heard on the radio. All of which serve as strong forces of silencing the voices of black people and their plight. So she can’t possibly know what all she has to fear. Or at least that’s the assumption that I make when I try to put myself in her shoes.

You seek to minimize the importance of her fear by saying oh she wasn’t raised with this fear, hasn’t watched this trauma and abuse first hand in her community, to her brothers, cousins, uncles, etc. As if that doesn’t add a different element that is in fact still; Fear.

Do you ever stop to think what it must be like to know that the world is setup against your child yet have no experience in it? No preparation?

Do we (this collective voice of people sitting behind screens spewing out 650 words anytime anyone else has something to say) not have any empathy?

Some of these posts only serve as more fodder to further skew the focus.

Aren’t we yelling and screaming saying that Black Lives Matter, in hopes that other people will understand that they do? Isn’t this child black?

253611FF00000578-0-image-a-61_1422710821731Does the fact that his mother is white cover him in the blood of White Jesus so that now he does not need to be covered in the blood of hashtags?

Roxane Gay says in Bad Feminist “We need to stop playing Privilege or Oppression Olympics because we’ll never get anywhere until we find more effective ways of talking through our difference. We should be able to say, “This is my truth,” and have the truth stand without a hundred voices clamoring, shouting, giving the impression that multiple truths cannot co-exist.”

Today I urge you to think before you fix your pen to say that someone can’t express their fear because their fear doesn’t look like yours.