10 Random Things 10.12.16

1. I’ve been feeling really guilty lately. For being alive, for being depressed, for complaining about this hole in my roof while being lucky enough to have a roof over my head. And friends who come over and tarp it without you asking them to.

2. Darian is 5’6″ tall, when I found out I was really excited. He’s growing. He’s taller than both of his moms and the same height as his dad. Then I realized that he’s 5’6″ and in this country he could be mistaken for a man. A black man. So he went from being officially the same height as his dad to officially public enemy number one in a matter of moments. All in my head. Where I keep the things I dare not say. 

3. I really really really fucking want this fellowship. Like stupid dumb crazy want. AB says that since I’ve applied I need to move on and work on the other writing things that I need to be working on and to give those things my focus. Which I have. But I’m also internally fretting over whether I will get it or not. 

4. I wish that I were closer to my siblings. Sometimes being in my self appointed isolation gets old. 

5. Candida is the devil.

6. My grandma is lying to me about her cancer. She keeps saying that everything is wonderful while she is losing weight and showing other signs of deconditioning. I love her dearly for those lies.

7. I allowed myself to start wanting things. I now feel like I am in a perpetual state of wantingness. (I am aware that I just made that word up.)

8. I’m tired of being so aware of my blackness. It’s 2016. The promise was that we would be so much further by now. They lied.

9. I really want some ice cream. See number 5. Life.

10. I’m reading Small Great Things by Jodie Picoult. So far it is amazeballs. I hope she doesn’t fuck this up. 

Love, peace, and hair grease. 

Chocolate Memories

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Chocolate Memories

I still remember the moment I saw her.

Her lips cherry frozen cup red,

Skin chocolate covered mocha brown

like a worn out penny,

Beautiful and nappy headed.

I loved her from the cinnamon of her eyes,

To the chipped polish on her fingertips,

From her lopsided ponytails,

to the scuffed toe of her converse.

Double Dutch champion.

Taught me how to spell:

M. I. crooked letter crooked letter.

I would’ve married her that summer

And she would’ve been the best wife I ever had

But summers end to soon

Before loveburns thoroughly heal.

I Deserved That and Chances Are You Did Too. Lets Be For Real.

Whenever I do something that causes me grief or discomfort I forgive myself and move on from the situation by saying “I deserved that”. I don’t do this as a way to come down on  myself or even as a way of excusing myself, but as a way of acknowledging to the Universe and myself that yes I put that out there and I understand why I received it back.

My most common misdeeds are: Not speaking up for myself or against something because I don’t like conflict. Not charging my phone when it is screaming that it needs to be charged. Being so inside my head that I don’t pay attention to what I’m doing and fall, bump into a wall, or even drop something. I’m also famous for knowing when someone is going to screw me and finding some reason why they won’t; only to get screwed in the end.

I could go on and on with examples but I’ll give you a big and a small.

My cellphone lives in my hand probably a good 8 hours out of the day. I do absolutely everything on it from reading to banking. So it’s no big surprise that my battery is frequently screaming out that it’s getting ready to die. I am also a horrible cell phone charger. My phone can be at five percent and I will be listening to an audiobook, texting my best friend, emailing a potential wedding vendor, and playing the Sims simultaneously while watching the battery percentage decrease before my eyes. Will I plug that phone in though? No because that would be the proper thing to do and I’m destined to not be proper in the most inopportune times. So it dies. Of course I can’t get mad. I just acknowledge that “I deserved that” and plug it in while shaking my head it myself.

I have an associate who did me a favor a few years ago by putting my vehicle in her name. I have always paid it and the insurance on time. Most of the time overpaying because I wanted it out of her name as soon as possible. She is horrendous with paying her own bills. I have known this for at least six years. She is also horrible with breaking leases and honoring her promise to pay. Eventually this caught up with her and she needed a place to say. Of course I feel like I owe her something and I just know that if I rent her an apartment in my name she is going to pay the bills on time and she’s not going to break the lease. NOT. Not only does she break the lease and make a promise to pay, but she doesn’t even tell me that she’s done this until after I’ve paid the car off. 1. I DESERVED THAT. 2. I will not allow her to ruin my credit by not honoring the promise to pay in my name.

You have to get to a point where you acknowledge foibles and take responsibility for the grief that they cause. Chances are if your boss is always breathing down your neck about your project being completed you may have been late with projects or caused them to question your timeliness with assignment completion in the past. Or if your children’s father sucks and he had previous kids before yours you probably ignored how much he sucked to those kids. Or if a friend or employee screwed you, you probably had previous knowledge of how they screwed other people.

Einstein says that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. All of these instances remind me of this. SO don’t be insane. Or at least acknowledge that “You deserve that.” Even if that’s a hard pill to swallow.