Somethings are hard to admit to yourself, like the fact that you’re depressed. That you’ve been riding the roller coaster of grief for months now and you’ve been holding that all inside. Letting it all out, trusting someone else with it is powerful. That’s strength. I of all people know this to my core.
So why is it that when I’m in the center of the worst bout of depression that I’ve experienced in years do I zip my lips tighter than ever? I didn’t tell my mother, I didn’t tell my best friend, I didn’t blog about it, or journal about it, I didn’t even tell the person who shares my home; the one person whom I should be able to share anything. I refused to even begin to acknowledge it.
I went through the highs and lows announcing to myself that I was just sad… no, bored… no, lonely… until I was driving along in my car and out of nowhere I thought of how easy it would be to slam my car into a median and call it quits. Followed by the thought “I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice that I’m gone.” Followed by the thought that “I’m not ready to die” and an admission to myself that I was Depressed, Majorly and I direly needed to talk to someone.
I was on my way back home and upon arrival after crying until I felt like my soul would explode I finally opened up to myself and to AB about what I was feeling and why I thought that I was feeling that way. I went to bed feeling better but still deeply depressed. I awoke feeling like a thousand pounds had been lifted from my heart. I have no idea why it took me so long to acknowledge to myself what I was feeling but I’m so glad that I sought help before I did something irreversible.
Depression is different for every person. That image that is in our brains of a person whom either over eats or doesn’t eat at all, doesn’t shower or perform personal hygiene, and loses their job for lack of showing up is just one view. I proceeded through my life the same as I always have, I even went out to drink with my friends a couple of times, the only difference that I noticed in hindsight is that I stopped writing and I began to really isolate myself. I didn’t read as much because I couldn’t focus on books. I watched more Television and ate more foods that made me happy (Yaaayyy ICE CREAM). The point is depression may not exhibit itself in the typical ways but you need to be aware of yourself so that you can notice those subtle feelings that are stronger than sadness and seek help before it’s too late. Don’t expect anyone to just know that you’re depressed. Most people will miss the subtle signs or assume that something else is going on. You’re important. You matter. You’re worth on this Earth is not finished yet.
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