4am

I’ve been awake since 4am. Funny enough I didn’t go to bed until after midnight. I wasn’t doing anything important like editing my poetry manuscript which I’ve just received from my editor or paying bills. I wasn’t doing anything fun or anything that felt good. I was arguing.

My arguments are interesting in that I don’t argue very much. I’ve never felt like I was one of those people who could, in the heat of an argument, get my feelings or facts out in a very eloquent way. In fact my arguments (I’ve been told) are reminiscent of a four year old, I raise my voice, I sway back and forth, I punch the covers. I can’t get out what I need to for the other person to understand me. My verbal communication is trash. A whole fucking dumpster of flaming dog shit. And it physically hurts. Hence the reason why I don’t do it very often.

So I argued until midnight, went to bed, and awoke at 4 am. Since then I’ve been sitting around thinking what I could have said better, how I could’ve said it better, or better yet how I could’ve avoided an argument in the first damn place. You see, we don’t argue. We have probably had four arguments in as many years. For a number of reasons. Mostly because I see something I don’t like and I adapt to it. I deal with it on my own. For two reasons:

1. I don’t believe that adults can change their behaviors. They have had these same behaviors for most of their lives and a lover or a friends annoyance or uncomfortability isn’t really going to change that.

2. I question every single thing that  happens. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s the way I reacted to that. Maybe I should’ve done this differently. Maybe I should’ve done that differently. Yadda. Yadda. Blah blah blah. I attribute most things that go wrong in my life to myself. I am responsible for my own experience and all that jazz.

Yes I know I created the word uncomfortability and just slipped it in there like you wouldn’t realize it. *shrugs*

I do question though, how much another person is responsible for when it comes to another person that they are in a relationship with be it romantic or not. Do you owe your spouse a modicum of understanding when it comes to most things? Should  you try to gauge whether your friend is comfortable about a thing? Especially when they are exhibiting signs that things are not a ok.

What say you?

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