A Change of Shift

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It is pretty much a guarantee that as we age those who were caregivers will trade places with those who were formerly in their care. The child becomes the “parent” is a phrase that I’ve heard frequently throughout my nursing career. I’ve actually uttered it on more than one occasion while trying to help someone cope with the change of roles between they and their parents. Of course I knew that my day would eventually come but no matter how much you think about a thing you’re never fully ready when it happens.

My grandmother means more to me than most people in life. She has been so much to me throughout my life. My confidante, parent, role model, best friend, doctor, masseuse and the list goes on. The one person who I can tell anything without worrying about feeling any kind of judgement. My mother had me at an early age so in a sense I grow up alongside her calling both my grandmother and my mother; mom.

So the text that I received a few  weeks ago stating that mommy was having health issues caused my heart to stutter. Flashed me back to a memory of my cousins and I arguing over who loved her more. “If she died I would throw myself in the casket with her.” I vowed causing my cousins to yell at me for ever suggesting that she would ever die. In our young minds she would be around and healthy forever.

She’s so strong and up into a couple of weeks ago she was running around CT better than people twenty years her junior. Taking trains and taxis to the casino whenever the whim suited her. Traveling from state to state as if there were no barriers. Never needing any assistive device or any assistance from anyone. Now that has changed and I had been notified via text. Via text…

Even after I talked to my grandmother and she assured me that she was ok. “They’re always exaggerating. You ain’t got to worry about me baby.” Was how she phrased it laughing and downplaying the situation as my aunt continued to text message me about walkers and colonoscopies. The nurse in me needed to assess the situation with my own eyes.

Two flights later I was in her home wearing both the eyes of her daughter and the eyes of her nurse and while it was oh so easy to tell other people’s parents to get rid of their cat or their car, there are not many things more daunting than trying to decide how to tell your own mom that she needs to get rid of her throw rugs. That the table that she keeps lifting her walker over is unsafe as is the cellphone cord that she has stretched across the walkway to her bathroom. Or that yes, you do think that she needs one of those I’ve fallen and I can’t get up things.

I spent an entire twenty-four hours cringing every time she went to the restroom trying to find a way to broach the subject before I mentioned the placement of the table. Of course she lifted up the walker to display for me how light it was. It was not a problem and she would be “OK Baby.”

I don’t like conflict so when she went to the bathroom to get dressed for church I moved the table, plugged her cellphone charger up behind her bed and placed it on her nightstand, then I spent twenty minutes on Amazon ordering all of the things I had discovered she was low on during my assessment; toilet paper, paper towels, ivory spring bar soap, and her beloved beef ravioli.

I thanked God when she came out of the bathroom and laughed “I was going to ask you to put that table over there.” she said before sitting on the bed to finish getting dressed for church. I hope she meant to ask me to replenish her supply of Chef Boy A Dee as well. Either way I embrace the challenge of encouraging her to enjoy her autonomy while moving things out of her way for her own good.

I don’t however, embrace the fact that she may need a hip replacement for pain. I don’t believe that this is something that she has recently been struggling with. Lastly, I don’t know how I’m supposed to live in FL while she’s in CT where I can’t consistently see her with my own eyes.

Christmas/New Year’s Sale – Dream Brother: A Novel – $0.99 (90% off list price) – Kindle Ebook

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Brian Marggraf's avatarIndie Hero

“Dreams are just nightmares that haven’t turned yet.”

The Amazon Kindle version of Dream Brother is $0.99 (90% off list price) until midnight, January 2nd, 2015.

Here are the links:

Amazon US

Amazon UK

Please help spread the word by doing any or all of the following:

like it, re-blog it, tweet it, pin it, share it on Facebook, Google plus it,

email it, Digg it, share it on Reddit or Tumblr, stumble it,

or just simply tell someone about it.

Thanks and Happy Holidays!

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San Francisco, California. Fifty hills surrounded by the cold waters of the ocean and the bay. City of rebellion and revolution. Smothered by fog daily.

This is the place where Jacob Gavel grew up, the place he ran away from at twenty, and the place he never thought he’d come back to.

The city’s in the middle of its second financial renaissance. A century and a half…

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Formal Notice

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Formal Notice

I’m willing to move my ribs to the side for you.
Pluck open my back and give you pieces of my spine so that you can stand up straighter.
Invite you to have the pick of the draw when choosing my shoulders.

Choose wisely.

I want you to be properly prepared as you carry the weight of the world. You’ve been doing it alone for so long and two heads are better than one.

Three shoulders are better than two.

I would give you my heart but I need it. Couldn’t give you pieces of me so unequivocally without it. But I’ll give you a kidney,
sliver of my liver,
part of my lungs,
I would give you my tongue if only I knew you would use it to just speak up.

Why don’t you ever just speak up?

Why don’t I just speak up?
There’s an old saying advising people to do unto others as you’d have them do to you.

But what if you’ve given others your Milky Way and half of your stars out of the goodness of your heart and they can barely part with a kind word?

What then?

What do I do when I’ve shown you that I’m willing to give you more than half of all of me and I realize that you can’t be bothered to do the same?

What then?
What if I changed.
Gave to the world an exact replica of whatever it is that the world has given to me?

Dear World,

I taught you how to treat me. Accepted your bullshit even though I was allergic to it. Even though I knew it for exactly what it was.
But things have got to change. I can not continue to dry out my oceans to fill your river beds when you wouldn’t offer me a cold drink if it required too much work. Consider this my formal notice that the old ways are done.
And when you start to notice don’t be surprised.

Remember,
you already done been told.

I Deserved That and Chances Are You Did Too. Lets Be For Real.

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Whenever I do something that causes me grief or discomfort I forgive myself and move on from the situation by saying “I deserved that”. I don’t do this as a way to come down on  myself or even as a way of excusing myself, but as a way of acknowledging to the Universe and myself that yes I put that out there and I understand why I received it back.

My most common misdeeds are: Not speaking up for myself or against something because I don’t like conflict. Not charging my phone when it is screaming that it needs to be charged. Being so inside my head that I don’t pay attention to what I’m doing and fall, bump into a wall, or even drop something. I’m also famous for knowing when someone is going to screw me and finding some reason why they won’t; only to get screwed in the end.

I could go on and on with examples but I’ll give you a big and a small.

My cellphone lives in my hand probably a good 8 hours out of the day. I do absolutely everything on it from reading to banking. So it’s no big surprise that my battery is frequently screaming out that it’s getting ready to die. I am also a horrible cell phone charger. My phone can be at five percent and I will be listening to an audiobook, texting my best friend, emailing a potential wedding vendor, and playing the Sims simultaneously while watching the battery percentage decrease before my eyes. Will I plug that phone in though? No because that would be the proper thing to do and I’m destined to not be proper in the most inopportune times. So it dies. Of course I can’t get mad. I just acknowledge that “I deserved that” and plug it in while shaking my head it myself.

I have an associate who did me a favor a few years ago by putting my vehicle in her name. I have always paid it and the insurance on time. Most of the time overpaying because I wanted it out of her name as soon as possible. She is horrendous with paying her own bills. I have known this for at least six years. She is also horrible with breaking leases and honoring her promise to pay. Eventually this caught up with her and she needed a place to say. Of course I feel like I owe her something and I just know that if I rent her an apartment in my name she is going to pay the bills on time and she’s not going to break the lease. NOT. Not only does she break the lease and make a promise to pay, but she doesn’t even tell me that she’s done this until after I’ve paid the car off. 1. I DESERVED THAT. 2. I will not allow her to ruin my credit by not honoring the promise to pay in my name.

You have to get to a point where you acknowledge foibles and take responsibility for the grief that they cause. Chances are if your boss is always breathing down your neck about your project being completed you may have been late with projects or caused them to question your timeliness with assignment completion in the past. Or if your children’s father sucks and he had previous kids before yours you probably ignored how much he sucked to those kids. Or if a friend or employee screwed you, you probably had previous knowledge of how they screwed other people.

Einstein says that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. All of these instances remind me of this. SO don’t be insane. Or at least acknowledge that “You deserve that.” Even if that’s a hard pill to swallow.

Books Over Beerpong… Beer Pong… Whatever

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Books over BeerPong. I’m the girl sitting in a corner at a party reading her book. Occasionally lowering it to respond to some inane question or to throw my two cents in to some random topic that I may or may not care about. Or to scope the scene. One must always be aware of their surroundings. Particularly if there is beer involved.

Should I be engaging with the people surrounding me? Many would say yes, me… I don’t really know. If my only reason for engaging is because others expect it or demand it of me then what’s the purpose. In that instance my participation isn’t genuine.

The older I get the more I want to be authentically me. The more I want to be around people who accept and understand the Authentic me.

I will no longer feel bad about being who I am. I will no longer surround myself with those who make me feel bad for being authentically me.

Some protests are silent. images

2014 Midterm Elections, Get Out The Vote!

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Peter Slutsky's avatarWordPress.com News

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Since 2004, WordPress has set out with an ambitious goal in mind — to democratize publishing and put state-of-the-art tools in front of publishers both large and small across the planet. We believe strongly in this vision because when more people have access to powerful tools on the web, that in-turn empowers them to do great things and publish amazing content. We feel the same way when it comes to democratizing, well, democracy — and in just a few weeks, citizens across the United States will have a unique opportunity to flex their political muscle and vote in the 2014 Midterm Elections.

For our part, we want to provide our US-based users a set of resources to help them make a smart, informed decision when it comes to who they will vote for. We also want to provide a toolkit so that they can get more information on where to…

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A Sunday in August

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Eight years ago I met the love of my life. We became really good friends because in my head I was already with the love of my life. Throughout the years Ashley and I would remain friends going on occasional dates to catch up in between whoever was our most recent or current love of our life. Last July she called me and wanted to know if I would date her exclusively. I was excited but I didn’t think it would pan out to be much more than a few dates where we would catch up, enjoy each other’s time, and decide that now wasn’t OUR time; again. We would remain great friends and I would complain to my two best friends how I couldn’t find true love because no one would ever compare to Ashley. She was the ruler that everyone needed to measure up to. Honest to a fault, funny, sexy, and so positive. She made me better.

So much for great expectations and all that jazz. In her head this was our time and I would be her wife. I found out that we were in a relationship in my sleep as she told some guy that I was her partner. Excitement of what this time was for us began to set in. I told to myself OK it’s finally happening, I’m in a relationship with Ashley and life is grand. We move in together, we begin to build a life, and I am as happy as a bee on it’s favorite flower. After a while we begin to discuss marriage and I know that a proposal is coming soon. In fact being the control freak that I am, I have decided that the proposal is going to happen when we go to Italy for vacation.

My best friend and I begin to concoct a plan where I’m going to look perfect the entire time; my nails are going to be perfect, my outfits are going to be perfect, and I will never be without lipgloss. (A girl must always be prepared for the marriage proposal by the true love of her life.) I’m planning with my best friend how to be properly prepared for my proposal while Ashley is planning with my best friend how to throw me the perfect surprise proposal/engagement party.

So much for plans and all that jazz. My hair was perfect; before we spent a day at the beach and any natural haired woman who gets her hair straightened will tell you that the day at the beach is the end of straight hair. My nails were ok but they were far from perfect but this was fine by me really, because all that I had planned for Sunday was Brunch with some of the people from her networking group. So after the beach in go the two strand twists. A twist out is perfect for brunch… I should’ve caught on when she kept asking me what I was doing to my hair, what I was wearing, etc, etc… but I didn’t. As a matter of fact I didn’t even catch on when the people started dancing to OUR songs in front of our table. I totally believed her when she said that they did this often.

I’m glad that I didn’t know, that I wasn’t in control and properly prepared, img_2316that my hair wasn’t perfect, and that I totally would’ve worn a different outfit had I been aware. And I’m glad that it happened on a Sunday in August amongst all of my sneaky friends.

 

Photo Credit: Christy Marie Photography

Video Credit: Rokosz Studios

Should you give a shit about priviledge?

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Should you give a shit about privilege? Specifically the privilege that money, class, and fame bring which allows people to separate themselves from being considered Black or African American? Or homosexual. I’ve been pondering this since the whole Oprah/ Raven Simone interview and I’ve come up with a few things.

One: I don’t like labels so I can totally understand why someone would object to being classified as one thing or another.

Two: Not claiming a label does not stop others from classifying you as such.

-See Kanye’s line in All Falls Down where he says “You still a Nigger in a Coupe” See Donald Sterling’s racist rant. Magic Johnson in his eyes is still a nigger in a coupe.-

Three: The reason most people were upset is because lots of people especially disenfranchised people such as homosexuals and African Americans have a hard time finding representation and when they think that someone represents them and find out that that person does not then their feelings are hurt. This is understandable… to a certain extent. Every person deserves to own themselves and make decisions for themselves as they see fit. They deserve to be respected when they make these claims. And on the other hand we deserve to say “Oh, ok. My bad. I clearly thought you were someone that you’re not.” AND we or people who are upset because honestly I’m really not, Raven Simone is simply not that relevant to me, She hasn’t been since she was on The Cosby Show; deserve to move these people off of whatever pedestals we’ve placed them on and keep it trucking. Life is too short and we have bigger issues.

-see Ferguson, Chicago, Isis, Gay Marriage, the attack on women’s rights, and the list goes on and on like the Erykah Badu song-

Four: The reason a lot of people were upset is because this frame of thought can be dangerous. Contrary to this new belief America is not a post racial society. Racial prejudice is real and people are dying everyday because of it.

Bottom line is; yes privilege can be dangerous, but in the instance of these “new black” people ( a term I DESPISE as much as I despise ACTING WHITE, Proper, and THOT) such as Raven Simone, KeKe Palmer, and Pharell fuck em and feed em Pork n Beans. They’re not your representatives. They didn’t apply for the position and they certainly don’t want it. If they bother you bad enough quit supporting them and quit allowing your children to support them. And move on. Spend your angry time and energy on things that deserve your time and energy.