How You Learn To Hate Yourself or When I Realized That My Lips Were Big

So I just posted a selfie on IG and when I looked at it I realized how large my lips were. Funny thing: I have never thought that my lips were large. I’ve never paid them any attention except to apply some Chapstick. If you know me you know lipstick is such a rare occasion that I don’t even own any.

Anyways, I never thought of how large my lips were until there was this huge racist uproar on MAC Cosmetics IG. And even then I didn’t say anything. I guess I just sort of absorbed it.

That selfie made me think of all of the parts of my body that I’ve thought were too much. And when exactly that happened, like my breasts… They became too large when it was cooler to have smaller perky breasts. Anything larger than a hand full was too much. That’s what the media has shown us for so long. Until getting larger boobs became a thing. Even then the media loves those perky fake ones over us heavy full breasted girls.

I know I know you’re like Adrien what are you talking about but this is how women especially black women begin to internalize hatred for aspects of themselves. I don’t hate my lips but now I know that they’re large. *shrugs* Now I know they match my Michael Jackson Nose.

Also,  I keep seeing my “social media friends” mention how they are so over the talk about racism and this and that and why don’t black people get over things that happened in the past.

Sidebar: Acknowledge your privilege. You can turn it off.

But the reason we can’t just get over it, whatever IT is, is because the past is today. It’s because being a black woman in America means that at any given moment a portion of your body can become unacceptable, too much, and ugly while it is lauded and applauded after someone else purchases it.

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On Being Kind For Kindness Sake

You can say what you will about my Resting Bitch Face, you can say how you were scared to talk to me initially because I always look so serious, you can talk about how I’m not fake and can be blunt. You can even discuss how in instances where you have given me a real reason to not like you I simply don’t deal with you outside of common courtesy. What you probably also know is that I’m one of the kindest people you will ever meet.

If you do you’ve probably heard it from someone who really knows me, more than likely it would be one of my patients. I don’t push my kindness in your face. I don’t do it for show. And every so often I am reminded of why I am glad that I am so kind, because we are all going through serious shit. This life that we live is not an easy one.

There’s a young girl at my job who is not doing well healthwise. There are people at my job who treat her badly because she’s young, not a professional at her new job, and is overweight. Initially I was going to steer very clear of her because she had a crush on me and she’s so young and I just don’t need those problems. After talking to her I figured out that the crush is harmless and because of the way that other people treat her I have been extra nice to try to make up for the BS. I’ve taken her under my wings and tried to both teach her the aspects of her job that she needs help on and ensure that she provides the staff the simple things that they need.

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Now that she’s sick I’m sure people are going to flood her hospital room, the same people who spread rumors that she was on drugs on Friday, the same people who show so much disdain for her on every other day, the same fake people who do things to be lauded by others. I however am not going to visit, at least until she can verbally tell me that visiting her is ok.

If she leaves this earth today I will feel good knowing that I made her laugh, that we had a relationship built out of genuineness, that I took the time to listen to her problems and dreams, and that one of the last things she yelled to me while I was walking down the hall was that she loved me, and  even though I have been telling her to watch her volume in the halls, I yelled it back, and I meant it.

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry.

For almost thirty years I have been apologizing because I feel things. As if there is something wrong with feeling things. As if emotions are wrong. Although I will admit that I’m well aware of the fact that having a uterus places me at a serious disadvantage when it comes to making decisions or being reasonable, so being emotional on top of those two things is one disadvantage too many. (If you missed it that was SARCASM) But starting today if you expect me to apologize for feeling things: Fuck you, I’m not sorry for my emotions.

I often apologize or feel ashamed whenever I’m not feeling my best. I have been conditioned to think that I should always be grateful and never focus on the ill feelings that I’m feeling. This isn’t good advice. You can not move on from a break up, a lost job, or whatever else ails you if you don’t accept and deal with the fact that that loss has hurt you. Loss or failure can cause grief and if you feel grief you should be allowed to go through the stages at your own pace. I hate when I hear someone dismiss someone else’s feelings by saying “You broke up with him two months ago, when are you going to move on.” Is there a time limit for mourning that I’m not aware of? I might have missed that day in Home Economics.

Today I had a thirty minute conversation about the perks of being able to turn your emotions off and make decisions. I do think that it is important to be able to continue to function in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation but I don’t see the benefit of being a robot. If my heart is broken then my heart is fucking broken. I shouldn’t be expected to not cry. It doesn’t appeal to me to have people say to me “Oh Adrien you’re an artist and a writer you wear your heart on your sleeve.” while brushing aside the fact that I’m upset.

It isn’t really beneficial for anyone to have their emotions dismissed. Emotions are a part of being human. Shit, according to Prince even Doves cry.

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A few rules of dealing with your emotions:

You should be grateful for the good things in life even if you feel like there aren’t many good things left. Especially if you feel like there aren’t many good things left.

Be as positive as possible. The Universe will give you what you’re attracting.

It’s not appropriate to allow your emotions to interrupt other people’s space. Don’t force others to ride the emotional roller coaster with you.

It is not appropriate to think that you shouldn’t have to complete your employee duties, motherly duties, or any other duties that you are responsible for.

It is totally appropriate to feel your emotions. Yell, Scream, CRY, lay still.. do whatever you need to do to let your emotions out so that you can move on.

If you can’t control your emotions enough in order to function seek outside help.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS.

Photo credit: Ambivalentlyyours on Tumblr

I Deserved That and Chances Are You Did Too. Lets Be For Real.

Whenever I do something that causes me grief or discomfort I forgive myself and move on from the situation by saying “I deserved that”. I don’t do this as a way to come down on  myself or even as a way of excusing myself, but as a way of acknowledging to the Universe and myself that yes I put that out there and I understand why I received it back.

My most common misdeeds are: Not speaking up for myself or against something because I don’t like conflict. Not charging my phone when it is screaming that it needs to be charged. Being so inside my head that I don’t pay attention to what I’m doing and fall, bump into a wall, or even drop something. I’m also famous for knowing when someone is going to screw me and finding some reason why they won’t; only to get screwed in the end.

I could go on and on with examples but I’ll give you a big and a small.

My cellphone lives in my hand probably a good 8 hours out of the day. I do absolutely everything on it from reading to banking. So it’s no big surprise that my battery is frequently screaming out that it’s getting ready to die. I am also a horrible cell phone charger. My phone can be at five percent and I will be listening to an audiobook, texting my best friend, emailing a potential wedding vendor, and playing the Sims simultaneously while watching the battery percentage decrease before my eyes. Will I plug that phone in though? No because that would be the proper thing to do and I’m destined to not be proper in the most inopportune times. So it dies. Of course I can’t get mad. I just acknowledge that “I deserved that” and plug it in while shaking my head it myself.

I have an associate who did me a favor a few years ago by putting my vehicle in her name. I have always paid it and the insurance on time. Most of the time overpaying because I wanted it out of her name as soon as possible. She is horrendous with paying her own bills. I have known this for at least six years. She is also horrible with breaking leases and honoring her promise to pay. Eventually this caught up with her and she needed a place to say. Of course I feel like I owe her something and I just know that if I rent her an apartment in my name she is going to pay the bills on time and she’s not going to break the lease. NOT. Not only does she break the lease and make a promise to pay, but she doesn’t even tell me that she’s done this until after I’ve paid the car off. 1. I DESERVED THAT. 2. I will not allow her to ruin my credit by not honoring the promise to pay in my name.

You have to get to a point where you acknowledge foibles and take responsibility for the grief that they cause. Chances are if your boss is always breathing down your neck about your project being completed you may have been late with projects or caused them to question your timeliness with assignment completion in the past. Or if your children’s father sucks and he had previous kids before yours you probably ignored how much he sucked to those kids. Or if a friend or employee screwed you, you probably had previous knowledge of how they screwed other people.

Einstein says that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. All of these instances remind me of this. SO don’t be insane. Or at least acknowledge that “You deserve that.” Even if that’s a hard pill to swallow.