Same Stuff Different Day

I’m still nursing. People come in and sit around fidgeting while they wait for their issues to be diagnosed. Sometimes, when appropriate I make them laugh. I relate to them. I let them know that this isn’t anything that any of us really want to deal with.

In my head, as all nurses do, I diagnose them: rheumatoid arthritis, liver problems, diabetes. I don’t say anything even when they begin to share their ailments because we all take the vow not to diagnose people. No matter how much training we have we aren’t skilled enough to diagnose people.

It’s the same. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a mechanic. I don’t tell them that I think that their brakes are bad or that what they’re describing sounds like their power steering pump is going out.

I use my training to  let trained people do what they are trained to do and when they give me the go ahead I break the bad news. I sit next to people or I stand behind the counter, depending on what the customer needs. I try to break it to them easily, gently. No one wants to hear that their compressor, the heart of the ac system isn’t working. No one wants to hear that because they didn’t come in for their regularly scheduled check ups a simple thing has gotten out of control and they now need a new rotor, transmission, engine.

I’m still nursing. I left nursing but I am still nursing. Still taking care of people.

How You Learn To Hate Yourself or When I Realized That My Lips Were Big

So I just posted a selfie on IG and when I looked at it I realized how large my lips were. Funny thing: I have never thought that my lips were large. I’ve never paid them any attention except to apply some Chapstick. If you know me you know lipstick is such a rare occasion that I don’t even own any.

Anyways, I never thought of how large my lips were until there was this huge racist uproar on MAC Cosmetics IG. And even then I didn’t say anything. I guess I just sort of absorbed it.

That selfie made me think of all of the parts of my body that I’ve thought were too much. And when exactly that happened, like my breasts… They became too large when it was cooler to have smaller perky breasts. Anything larger than a hand full was too much. That’s what the media has shown us for so long. Until getting larger boobs became a thing. Even then the media loves those perky fake ones over us heavy full breasted girls.

I know I know you’re like Adrien what are you talking about but this is how women especially black women begin to internalize hatred for aspects of themselves. I don’t hate my lips but now I know that they’re large. *shrugs* Now I know they match my Michael Jackson Nose.

Also,  I keep seeing my “social media friends” mention how they are so over the talk about racism and this and that and why don’t black people get over things that happened in the past.

Sidebar: Acknowledge your privilege. You can turn it off.

But the reason we can’t just get over it, whatever IT is, is because the past is today. It’s because being a black woman in America means that at any given moment a portion of your body can become unacceptable, too much, and ugly while it is lauded and applauded after someone else purchases it.

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The Art of Realizing That You Don’t Need Much

It’s 11pm and I just returned home from my birthday dinner. One of my best friends coordinated a birthday dinner in my honor to celebrate my 31st which is coming up on Monday. Maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or maybe it’s the glasses of Prosecco and Whiskey Sours that one of the owners sent me but this simple dinner with eight of the people nearest and dearest to me was one of the best birthdays I have  experienced in years.

There was no stress or drama over inviting fifty eleven people, I didn’t feel anxious over trying to make sure that everyone was having fun, I wasn’t concerned that someone was going to embarrass me. The most unpleasant aspect of the entire evening was when we weren’t allowed to be seated because seventy five percent of our party wasn’t there yet. (Etiquette tip: Arrive before the birthday person or let the host know you’re running late in advance) It was simple; good people, excellent food, phenomenal drinks, and love flowing all around.

I realized sometime during the night that I’m simpler than even I thought I was. I don’t need much to be happy. I don’t even want much: Love, food, laughter, and a couple of drinks seem to be the key to happiness in my book.

I’m lucky. I’m blessed. I’m loved. In this moment all is more than well.

Thank You Grille 116  South Dale Mabry for the amazing atmosphere and food. Thank you Porsche Price for the amazing cake! Thank you Lisa, Margie, Nick, Ashley, Christy, and Darian for making this one of my favorite birthdays. I love you all.

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry.

For almost thirty years I have been apologizing because I feel things. As if there is something wrong with feeling things. As if emotions are wrong. Although I will admit that I’m well aware of the fact that having a uterus places me at a serious disadvantage when it comes to making decisions or being reasonable, so being emotional on top of those two things is one disadvantage too many. (If you missed it that was SARCASM) But starting today if you expect me to apologize for feeling things: Fuck you, I’m not sorry for my emotions.

I often apologize or feel ashamed whenever I’m not feeling my best. I have been conditioned to think that I should always be grateful and never focus on the ill feelings that I’m feeling. This isn’t good advice. You can not move on from a break up, a lost job, or whatever else ails you if you don’t accept and deal with the fact that that loss has hurt you. Loss or failure can cause grief and if you feel grief you should be allowed to go through the stages at your own pace. I hate when I hear someone dismiss someone else’s feelings by saying “You broke up with him two months ago, when are you going to move on.” Is there a time limit for mourning that I’m not aware of? I might have missed that day in Home Economics.

Today I had a thirty minute conversation about the perks of being able to turn your emotions off and make decisions. I do think that it is important to be able to continue to function in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation but I don’t see the benefit of being a robot. If my heart is broken then my heart is fucking broken. I shouldn’t be expected to not cry. It doesn’t appeal to me to have people say to me “Oh Adrien you’re an artist and a writer you wear your heart on your sleeve.” while brushing aside the fact that I’m upset.

It isn’t really beneficial for anyone to have their emotions dismissed. Emotions are a part of being human. Shit, according to Prince even Doves cry.

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A few rules of dealing with your emotions:

You should be grateful for the good things in life even if you feel like there aren’t many good things left. Especially if you feel like there aren’t many good things left.

Be as positive as possible. The Universe will give you what you’re attracting.

It’s not appropriate to allow your emotions to interrupt other people’s space. Don’t force others to ride the emotional roller coaster with you.

It is not appropriate to think that you shouldn’t have to complete your employee duties, motherly duties, or any other duties that you are responsible for.

It is totally appropriate to feel your emotions. Yell, Scream, CRY, lay still.. do whatever you need to do to let your emotions out so that you can move on.

If you can’t control your emotions enough in order to function seek outside help.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS.

Photo credit: Ambivalentlyyours on Tumblr

Happily Never After.

I’ve been trying very hard to post something brand new for every day of NaBloPoMo but it is incredibly hard. Today’s prompt was Time. I’m sure if I were feeling differently I could probably come up with something awesome but today all I keep thinking about is how there is no such thing as time. How it’s a fallacy. An invented construct. Lately I’ve been floating back and forth between being ok and feeling like time is not on my side. Love is not on my side. For the first time in my life I actually thought that maybe Happily Ever After was not for me. Maybe I have been cursed with the Happily Never After Disease. And I shall be stuck with it forever and ever. How’s that for time?

Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.

I’m a day behind on NaBloPoMo and I couldn’t decide whether to write for day three or four but when I read the writing prompts aloud day 3 prompted me to sing “Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.” in my best Steve Urkel voice. I’m not really trying to forget my feelings of love, that’s just the way my mind works. If I hear or read certain phrases I just break out into song or into a monologue from one of my favorite films. I’m sure there is a word for this I’m just too lazy to look it up right now.

Today has actually been a pretty happy day. I woke up determined to be happy and even though I struggled with my emotions a couple of times I was able to stay on my high flying disc at least eighty nine percent of the day.

I had a conversation with someone last week about feelings. She was telling me that a group of people claimed that I am rude and unhappy when they were around. I responded by saying that I’m not rude but I feel that these people exclude me and block me out. Her take was that I wasn’t giving her anything concrete. Because I was emotional I couldn’t fully portray to her that both sides of the equation were about feelings and since feelings are real neither are invalid. Furthermore, if we are all a mirror of each other couldn’t the case be that we were both playing off of negative emotions and not only drawing off of things that don’t exist but making them worse through our beliefs on both sides. Wouldn’t the proper fix be to actually sit down, hash out these bad feelings, and clear the air. Le sigh. In a perfect Sitcom this would’ve been the fix but alas this is the real world and the fix is not that simple. Or is it. We may never know.

Lately I have been having all of the feels but I hope to be cresting the ridge of the Sad Adrien Mountain. Best feeling of the day? Sitting in the hot tub after a busy day of working and getting my documents together for my mortgage application.

Although I’m struggling with my public sharing I’m so happy that I decided to do a NaBloPoMo this month. So far these free writes have been a life saver.

Day 2 NaBloPoMo MAY 2015

Today I awoke with the plan to be happy. When you tell the Universe your intentions it provides so I quickly realized that if I intended to be happy I had to think like Nike and Just Do It. I turned on my music and set about performing my Sunday ritual. For some weird reason Sunday is the day I clean and prepare for my week. I haven’t been doing that for quite sometime so I went back to my tried and true. Lo and behold my morning was off to a happy start.

Darian hasn’t been cooking like he used to and being that I decided to be happy I wasn’t too surprised when he called me in to the dining room and pretty much demanded that I sit down with him and have breakfast. I literally forgot how well he cooked. I ate everything he put on my plate including the BACON!

After breakfast he and I went about cleaning and talking like we used to. The only thing missing was AB and though her presence would have made today complete, our morning was pretty great.

Yesterday while I was house hunting online I found this property that I really liked. When I went over to my friends house I discovered that the house was right next door to hers. Of course I had my realtor arrange for me to view it today and I put in an offer. I’m claiming it! I deserve it.

Gratitude List 05/03/15

Bacon

Dopeass people who instantly get you Aka my new realtor.

Sunday mornings with The Kid

Hammocks in sunny yards, wine, and books.

Warrior women.

Prepaving

positive intentions

Front Porch Grill in Seminole Heights

New Nephews

Resilience

Random Pics of things that made me happy today:

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Today Was A Good Day

Before I awoke this morning I decided that today would be a good day. I had a slight setback after realizing that the thing that has been ailing me for days is all over the internet. After a brief breakdown, a ton of woe is me moments, and twenty seven minutes of watching Law of Attraction videos on break ups I decided to just avoid Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Tumblr is safe. Thank God Tumblr is safe.

Someone I follow on Tumblr most be going through a break up. I’ve had to stop myself from reblogging their posts a million times. I don’t want to be that girl. I hate sad Adrien. Honestly sad Adrien must die. Or move to Kivalina. Anyways, The kid and I went house shopping which was actually a pretty good experience even though he is an entitled rich kid from Beverly Hills in his head. He even suggested that he should get the Master Suite at one house before I gave him the child what look.

I fell in love with a home, almost signed a contract to pay way more than I was comfortable with, then I woke up. I refuse to make emotional decisions based on the fact that my heart is broken. I refuse to be that girl.

I realize now more than ever that I am surrounded by the most loving warrior women in the entire world right here in my little corner of Tampa. They have surrounded, supported, and pushed me in all the right directions over the past couple of days. I could not be more grateful. Particularly when it comes to my mom. Her strength often astounds me, #momgoal to be as good as she is to my child when he becomes an adult.

I spent the middle part of my day talking to a friend that I thought I would lose in the break up. It is common knowledge that whenever people split someone gets to keep the friends, especially if they were their friends before the relationship started. I took a chance that I wouldn’t have normally taken and messaged her letting her know that I wanted to remain friends no matter what. She responded in kind and we spent hours talking about life and love. She reminded me that I needed to reclaim the parts of me that I have lost in this relationship and instructed me to write what I want for my life down. To focus on manifesting these things and to focus on the positive. I couldn’t be more happy to add another warrior woman to my repertoire.

I only cried once today. #progress

I don’t hate her for breaking our engagement. I wish it had been done a different way, I wish I had some say in the matter, I wish she’d never called me about having a serious relationship, but I don’t regret my love. I never want to stop loving the way that I do. I never want to stop being me. I want to always be as awesome as I can be.