Love is Enough

On May 11th I turned 31 years old. It’s a weird age. An age where you are definitely an adult but where you still haven’t figured this thing called life all the way out. It also started out as my saddest birthday in a very long time. I went through a very unexpected loss and I had been going through my days in a fugue state. On a roller coaster of self induced highs and lows. As a result of those highs and lows I didn’t have anything planned for my birthday.

I should’ve probably started with a bit of background. As an adult I have enjoyed every single one of my birthdays to their absolute fullest. From week long vacations in beach houses to trips out of the country. Spa days in Atlanta to club nights in New York City. No matter what I do for the rest of the year, for my birthday I LIVE. I don’t just celebrate on the days surrounding my birthday, no, not me. I am the Princess of Everything so of course, I celebrate the entire month. It is a well documented fact and most of the people closest to me sit back and wait to watch the fireworks happen.

So this year, my thirty first sun journey starts to approach and people begin to ask. “Hey, What are you doing for Princess’s dirty 31st?” “When should I expect to be penciled in for dinner?” “Which country are you visiting this year birthday girl?” My answer each time is a big fat nothing. I had planned to lay in my backyard in a hammock and drink the weekend away.

Thankfully my best friend planned  me a birthday dinner with some of my closest friends at my favorite restaurant. The night was all love and though I didn’t end my night dancing until my knees hurt I went to bed with a heart full of love. Honestly this year that full heart was worth more than all the fancy drinks in all of the exotic places.

Monday was my actual birthday and in typical internet fashion my social media sites exploded with well wishes. On Mic.com there is an article discussing etiquette for the birthday wishes people receive on Facebook. There was one suggestion that people should take their birthday dates off of Facebook. Your true friends will remember and you won’t have to worry about all of the other people who only wish you a happy birthday because the site reminds them that it’s your birthday. I call bull shit on that. People wish you a Happy Birthday because they want you to have one not just because Facebook reminds them that it’s your birthday.

There was another user who stated “I take the literal 3 minutes to “like” them and THEN I write back to people who went beyond the generic “HBD” I care about these people.” Like this person I deeply care about those people. Especially because this year I didn’t just get wishes to have an awesome birthday. I recieved paragraphs about the effects that I have on people’s lives.

You go through life trying to do the right thing, trying to be  a good person, and you don’t even realize that people are noticing. Or that they not only notice, they respect you for who you are. They love you more for it. This year my friends and family said things about me that spoke to my soul. I took pictures of all of the comments that they left to look at when I’m having a bad day or when I feel unloved. This year on my birthday I received the gift of love and it is enough. It is more than enough.

I’ve included some of the messages that I received. Some were too personal for public sharing but I will cherish them just as much:

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Sheree L Greer and I at Fantastic Ekphrastic

Sheree L Greer and I at Fantastic Ekphrastic

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The Art of Realizing That You Don’t Need Much

It’s 11pm and I just returned home from my birthday dinner. One of my best friends coordinated a birthday dinner in my honor to celebrate my 31st which is coming up on Monday. Maybe I’m feeling nostalgic or maybe it’s the glasses of Prosecco and Whiskey Sours that one of the owners sent me but this simple dinner with eight of the people nearest and dearest to me was one of the best birthdays I have  experienced in years.

There was no stress or drama over inviting fifty eleven people, I didn’t feel anxious over trying to make sure that everyone was having fun, I wasn’t concerned that someone was going to embarrass me. The most unpleasant aspect of the entire evening was when we weren’t allowed to be seated because seventy five percent of our party wasn’t there yet. (Etiquette tip: Arrive before the birthday person or let the host know you’re running late in advance) It was simple; good people, excellent food, phenomenal drinks, and love flowing all around.

I realized sometime during the night that I’m simpler than even I thought I was. I don’t need much to be happy. I don’t even want much: Love, food, laughter, and a couple of drinks seem to be the key to happiness in my book.

I’m lucky. I’m blessed. I’m loved. In this moment all is more than well.

Thank You Grille 116  South Dale Mabry for the amazing atmosphere and food. Thank you Porsche Price for the amazing cake! Thank you Lisa, Margie, Nick, Ashley, Christy, and Darian for making this one of my favorite birthdays. I love you all.

Sorry, I’m Not Sorry.

For almost thirty years I have been apologizing because I feel things. As if there is something wrong with feeling things. As if emotions are wrong. Although I will admit that I’m well aware of the fact that having a uterus places me at a serious disadvantage when it comes to making decisions or being reasonable, so being emotional on top of those two things is one disadvantage too many. (If you missed it that was SARCASM) But starting today if you expect me to apologize for feeling things: Fuck you, I’m not sorry for my emotions.

I often apologize or feel ashamed whenever I’m not feeling my best. I have been conditioned to think that I should always be grateful and never focus on the ill feelings that I’m feeling. This isn’t good advice. You can not move on from a break up, a lost job, or whatever else ails you if you don’t accept and deal with the fact that that loss has hurt you. Loss or failure can cause grief and if you feel grief you should be allowed to go through the stages at your own pace. I hate when I hear someone dismiss someone else’s feelings by saying “You broke up with him two months ago, when are you going to move on.” Is there a time limit for mourning that I’m not aware of? I might have missed that day in Home Economics.

Today I had a thirty minute conversation about the perks of being able to turn your emotions off and make decisions. I do think that it is important to be able to continue to function in the midst of an emotionally challenging situation but I don’t see the benefit of being a robot. If my heart is broken then my heart is fucking broken. I shouldn’t be expected to not cry. It doesn’t appeal to me to have people say to me “Oh Adrien you’re an artist and a writer you wear your heart on your sleeve.” while brushing aside the fact that I’m upset.

It isn’t really beneficial for anyone to have their emotions dismissed. Emotions are a part of being human. Shit, according to Prince even Doves cry.

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A few rules of dealing with your emotions:

You should be grateful for the good things in life even if you feel like there aren’t many good things left. Especially if you feel like there aren’t many good things left.

Be as positive as possible. The Universe will give you what you’re attracting.

It’s not appropriate to allow your emotions to interrupt other people’s space. Don’t force others to ride the emotional roller coaster with you.

It is not appropriate to think that you shouldn’t have to complete your employee duties, motherly duties, or any other duties that you are responsible for.

It is totally appropriate to feel your emotions. Yell, Scream, CRY, lay still.. do whatever you need to do to let your emotions out so that you can move on.

If you can’t control your emotions enough in order to function seek outside help.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR FUCKING EMOTIONS.

Photo credit: Ambivalentlyyours on Tumblr

Happily Never After.

I’ve been trying very hard to post something brand new for every day of NaBloPoMo but it is incredibly hard. Today’s prompt was Time. I’m sure if I were feeling differently I could probably come up with something awesome but today all I keep thinking about is how there is no such thing as time. How it’s a fallacy. An invented construct. Lately I’ve been floating back and forth between being ok and feeling like time is not on my side. Love is not on my side. For the first time in my life I actually thought that maybe Happily Ever After was not for me. Maybe I have been cursed with the Happily Never After Disease. And I shall be stuck with it forever and ever. How’s that for time?

I Feel Blessed

Today I was reminded that I need to pull my head out of my ass and acknowledge my blessings. There are so many people around me that would kill for the life I live and so many days I forget to acknowledge how truly blessed I am. I forget that all of the little nuisances of life don’t matter five minutes after they happen. During my drive home from work being cut off in traffic doesn’t even cross my mind as I chatter away to my best friend in NJ. Had this same thing happened yesterday it would have probably pissed me off beyond belief.

I used to do a gratitude list everyday but of course as with most things, I got away from that. Even though I know I was a happier person when I was acknowledging my blessings on a daily basis. I don’t know if I will actually create a list but I’m definitely going to set aside a few minutes everyday to say thank you for my blessings. Try it. You might realize that you have more to be thankful for than you think.

I feel blessed way up…

Today I am grateful for my healthy child.

That all of my siblings are still on Earth so that hatchets can actually be buried.

Nettie is still making her own decisions.

People who genuinely care about my well being.

AB Facetimed me so that I could see the Sea Lions on the Beach in CA.

Smart Phones so that I can actually see Sea Lions on a beach 50/11 miles away.

Life. All of it. Good Bad and Otherwise.

FUCK. It’s my favorite word!

You. Someone who reads these words that I string together. A writer’s greatest wish is to be read.IMG_3384

Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.

I’m a day behind on NaBloPoMo and I couldn’t decide whether to write for day three or four but when I read the writing prompts aloud day 3 prompted me to sing “Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.” in my best Steve Urkel voice. I’m not really trying to forget my feelings of love, that’s just the way my mind works. If I hear or read certain phrases I just break out into song or into a monologue from one of my favorite films. I’m sure there is a word for this I’m just too lazy to look it up right now.

Today has actually been a pretty happy day. I woke up determined to be happy and even though I struggled with my emotions a couple of times I was able to stay on my high flying disc at least eighty nine percent of the day.

I had a conversation with someone last week about feelings. She was telling me that a group of people claimed that I am rude and unhappy when they were around. I responded by saying that I’m not rude but I feel that these people exclude me and block me out. Her take was that I wasn’t giving her anything concrete. Because I was emotional I couldn’t fully portray to her that both sides of the equation were about feelings and since feelings are real neither are invalid. Furthermore, if we are all a mirror of each other couldn’t the case be that we were both playing off of negative emotions and not only drawing off of things that don’t exist but making them worse through our beliefs on both sides. Wouldn’t the proper fix be to actually sit down, hash out these bad feelings, and clear the air. Le sigh. In a perfect Sitcom this would’ve been the fix but alas this is the real world and the fix is not that simple. Or is it. We may never know.

Lately I have been having all of the feels but I hope to be cresting the ridge of the Sad Adrien Mountain. Best feeling of the day? Sitting in the hot tub after a busy day of working and getting my documents together for my mortgage application.

Although I’m struggling with my public sharing I’m so happy that I decided to do a NaBloPoMo this month. So far these free writes have been a life saver.

Day 2 NaBloPoMo MAY 2015

Today I awoke with the plan to be happy. When you tell the Universe your intentions it provides so I quickly realized that if I intended to be happy I had to think like Nike and Just Do It. I turned on my music and set about performing my Sunday ritual. For some weird reason Sunday is the day I clean and prepare for my week. I haven’t been doing that for quite sometime so I went back to my tried and true. Lo and behold my morning was off to a happy start.

Darian hasn’t been cooking like he used to and being that I decided to be happy I wasn’t too surprised when he called me in to the dining room and pretty much demanded that I sit down with him and have breakfast. I literally forgot how well he cooked. I ate everything he put on my plate including the BACON!

After breakfast he and I went about cleaning and talking like we used to. The only thing missing was AB and though her presence would have made today complete, our morning was pretty great.

Yesterday while I was house hunting online I found this property that I really liked. When I went over to my friends house I discovered that the house was right next door to hers. Of course I had my realtor arrange for me to view it today and I put in an offer. I’m claiming it! I deserve it.

Gratitude List 05/03/15

Bacon

Dopeass people who instantly get you Aka my new realtor.

Sunday mornings with The Kid

Hammocks in sunny yards, wine, and books.

Warrior women.

Prepaving

positive intentions

Front Porch Grill in Seminole Heights

New Nephews

Resilience

Random Pics of things that made me happy today:

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Today Was A Good Day

Before I awoke this morning I decided that today would be a good day. I had a slight setback after realizing that the thing that has been ailing me for days is all over the internet. After a brief breakdown, a ton of woe is me moments, and twenty seven minutes of watching Law of Attraction videos on break ups I decided to just avoid Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Tumblr is safe. Thank God Tumblr is safe.

Someone I follow on Tumblr most be going through a break up. I’ve had to stop myself from reblogging their posts a million times. I don’t want to be that girl. I hate sad Adrien. Honestly sad Adrien must die. Or move to Kivalina. Anyways, The kid and I went house shopping which was actually a pretty good experience even though he is an entitled rich kid from Beverly Hills in his head. He even suggested that he should get the Master Suite at one house before I gave him the child what look.

I fell in love with a home, almost signed a contract to pay way more than I was comfortable with, then I woke up. I refuse to make emotional decisions based on the fact that my heart is broken. I refuse to be that girl.

I realize now more than ever that I am surrounded by the most loving warrior women in the entire world right here in my little corner of Tampa. They have surrounded, supported, and pushed me in all the right directions over the past couple of days. I could not be more grateful. Particularly when it comes to my mom. Her strength often astounds me, #momgoal to be as good as she is to my child when he becomes an adult.

I spent the middle part of my day talking to a friend that I thought I would lose in the break up. It is common knowledge that whenever people split someone gets to keep the friends, especially if they were their friends before the relationship started. I took a chance that I wouldn’t have normally taken and messaged her letting her know that I wanted to remain friends no matter what. She responded in kind and we spent hours talking about life and love. She reminded me that I needed to reclaim the parts of me that I have lost in this relationship and instructed me to write what I want for my life down. To focus on manifesting these things and to focus on the positive. I couldn’t be more happy to add another warrior woman to my repertoire.

I only cried once today. #progress

I don’t hate her for breaking our engagement. I wish it had been done a different way, I wish I had some say in the matter, I wish she’d never called me about having a serious relationship, but I don’t regret my love. I never want to stop loving the way that I do. I never want to stop being me. I want to always be as awesome as I can be.