How You Learn To Hate Yourself or When I Realized That My Lips Were Big

So I just posted a selfie on IG and when I looked at it I realized how large my lips were. Funny thing: I have never thought that my lips were large. I’ve never paid them any attention except to apply some Chapstick. If you know me you know lipstick is such a rare occasion that I don’t even own any.

Anyways, I never thought of how large my lips were until there was this huge racist uproar on MAC Cosmetics IG. And even then I didn’t say anything. I guess I just sort of absorbed it.

That selfie made me think of all of the parts of my body that I’ve thought were too much. And when exactly that happened, like my breasts… They became too large when it was cooler to have smaller perky breasts. Anything larger than a hand full was too much. That’s what the media has shown us for so long. Until getting larger boobs became a thing. Even then the media loves those perky fake ones over us heavy full breasted girls.

I know I know you’re like Adrien what are you talking about but this is how women especially black women begin to internalize hatred for aspects of themselves. I don’t hate my lips but now I know that they’re large. *shrugs* Now I know they match my Michael Jackson Nose.

Also,  I keep seeing my “social media friends” mention how they are so over the talk about racism and this and that and why don’t black people get over things that happened in the past.

Sidebar: Acknowledge your privilege. You can turn it off.

But the reason we can’t just get over it, whatever IT is, is because the past is today. It’s because being a black woman in America means that at any given moment a portion of your body can become unacceptable, too much, and ugly while it is lauded and applauded after someone else purchases it.

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Adrien’s Adventures in Home Ownership 07.18.15

I did it!!!!

Last Thursday I achieved one of the things that a large number of Americans want to achieve: I purchased my first home. It’s been a very interesting process. I’ve had what seems like millions of conversations with various home owners and none of those conversations prepared me for this journey. It has been surreal.

Today was moving day. I can’t even count the amount of times that I have moved over the years but moving into your forever home has a vastly different feel than the feelings of moving into a new apartment. I woke up at five am and begin flitting through the house excitedly while I waited for my movers to arrive.

Moving day taught me a few things:

No matter how much you prepare you will forget something.

– Usually one of the most important things on your list. In my case it was the power drill which I really needed to drill the legs onto my new couches and toilet bowl cleanser.

There are some amazing people in this world.

– The College Hunks who moved my junk actually took the time to help my son assemble our mailbox before rushing off until their next appointment. My electrician helped DJ assemble the couches after discovering that we didn’t have a drill. He moved the power cord for the stove so that he could push the stove back making it flush with the wall. He also made the stove level after discovering that the Sear’s delivery men basically dropped the items off, did the bare minimum, and high tailed it out of here.

Some people are only looking to do the bare minimum.

– I  had two deliveries from Sears today, a mattress for the master bedroom, and a refrigerator and stove. Both times the delivery guys came in, placed my items down as quickly as possible, and jetted out after getting quick signatures. What they don’t know is I had planned to tip all of them. They didn’t get the gratuity because they didn’t deserve it but also because I barely had time to ask questions before they ran away. Maybe they had busy schedules. Maybe they wanted to get home to their families. Either way a few extra minutes would’ve equaled  a few extra dollars in their pockets.

Those dollars ended up with the most deserving person though: My electrician. I forgot to mention that he straightened my doorknob (unscrewed the knob and made it level) because it was slightly off-center and “Getting on my last nerve. You may not notice it but I do.” There are definitely angels on this earth.

FLEAS: I have found at least six fleas in this house. I know they didn’t come from the new furniture. We noticed a few before the deliveries started arriving and kind of brushed it off but after everything was situated and we sat down to eat we noticed a few more. We don’t have carpets, or animals, and we didn’t have any at the other house. I also didn’t notice them during any of my walk throughs, during the inspection, or any of the other times that I have been to this house. I have no idea where they came from but I do know that I can’t call the office and request pest control. I am officially maintenance, security, pest control, the manager, and all other duties that arise.

*CHALLENGE ACCEPTED*

Lastly I was reminded that if you don’t freak out at the first sign of trouble you can think clearly and the Universe will provide for you as it always does. I needed to be at both houses today on three different occasions and between pushing the car to the speed limit, awesome repair and installation people, and great timing I managed to meet every delivery person, be here long enough for every installation, and manage the movers at both houses. Most of these things were happening at two places simultaneously.

*Cues I am a God*

Stay tuned, I’m tired and I feel like I’m rambling but I plan to keep you guys updated on this home ownership journey.

Special Thanks to College Hunks Hauling Junk, Wayne the electrician, and Verizon for the superb patience and way above and beyond service. And to Kelly Parks of Keller Realty for the gift card that helped me purchase my stove and refrigerator.

Also to my neighbor slash homey/lover/friend Mo for coming through with the flea bombs. Something tells me where there are six there are more.

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My plant Alice. I named her after my great grandmother. Keep your ancestors close. They help ground you.

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College Hunks do more than just haul junk.

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How many people does it take to put together a mailbox? At least five.

Wayne the electrician.

Wayne the electrician.

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New fridge and stove from Sears Outlet.

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DJ would you like to use a drill?

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Delivery equals bringing items to your home and plopping them down as quickly as possible. -Note to self ask what that delivery fee covers.

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Wayne The Great

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These Hunks were awesome!

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DJ unloading the car.

Adrien’s Adventures in Denseville

So, A lot of men come on to me, I should say a lot of people come on to me, and I’m not always aware. I love everybody, I hug everybody, I’m actually a very friendly person once you get pass my resting bitch face. Because of this I often miss the flaming trash cans throwing up I heart Adrien smoke signals until their thrust in to my face forcing me to notice them.

There’s an older gentleman employee at my job who has apparently been giving me the eye since I returned from my eleven month hiatus. Of course, I don’t notice it. He’s married and everyone likes the sassy black girl especially when she smiles.

Today he says as I’m hugging him back turning my body because this hug just got a little too friendly, “Let’s go somewhere and have fun.” To which I reply a little unnerved “Ummm where do you wanna go… an amusement park? I don’t really know what you’re asking.” Of course his coworker is loving this. He’s smiling with his whole face, the longer I look at him the more sure I become that I have to stop hugging people! “Ummm I don’t swing that way plus I don’t want anyone’s wife to be waiting for me in the parking lot. I say as I disengage from this now incredibly awkward half hug. “Only if you tell her.” He remarks and walks away.  

 Why am I so dense?

Perfection Can KILL You

I used to want to be perfect. I would literally FREAK out when I got anything wrong. If I wasn’t chosen to be on a sports team or didn’t place first in a spelling bee I would literally come undone. I worked so hard on everything not understanding that when you work so hard on everything some things will not get the same attention as others. It’s statistically impossible to be perfect at everything.

When I began working in Nursing I worked so hard at being the best which honestly wasn’t really too hard. I took different jobs in different aspects of nursing giving me a wide breadth of knowledge to use in the other nursing jobs I was doing. Working in pediatrics helped me with geriatrics. My weekday wound care helped me with my with my weekend job. Everyone loved me or I should say everyone who really mattered really loved me because I was smart, hard working, and funny. I was reliable, dependable, and a team player. I was thee nurse who would jump in and help others finish up their work so that we could all go home on time. The nurse my supervisors used in leadership roles practically freshly out of school because I would get the job done and get it done the correct way.

I realize now that all of the knowledge that I had made me confident and for me confidence helps me accomplish great things.

Fast forward to me taking a management position in nursing and of course I excelled but in the beginning it was really hard and required a lot of focus. At the same time of my promotion my marriage was ending, we were up to our ears in debt, and I began having issues with people who thought that I had “made it” and should be able to help them financially. Of course I tried. I was trying so hard to be everything to everyone and failing miserably at being anything to myself. On a trip with one of my bosses somehow we got on a conversation about perfection during which she remarked “Adrien I bet you were a straight A student in school.” I smiled shyly and said “Yes, why do you say that?” To which she replied “It shows. I can see how upset you get when you send a report late, or you get something wrong on an assessment. No matter what obstacles you face that prevent you from getting to the desired outcome you still blame yourself. The sooner you learn that you can be practically perfect the longer your life will be.” Many times since that day those words have crept up on me and reminded me that I can only be practically perfect and if I want to save the world I need to start with me.

As a nurse I have taken care of so many people who suffered from anxiety, depression, hypertension, strokes, heart attacks, and more. While talking to them or their family members they share that the person was trying to do too much, trying to be too much, and trying to be perfect. It’s not worth it. What you can’t get done today will still be there tomorrow but you may not be if you don’t let this whole perfection thing that we’re all infatuated with die.

Salvador Dali said-“Have no fear of perfection you’ll never reach it” I wonder if he meant that there is a possibility that you could die before you got there.IMG_1253