I Have Something To Say

I have something to say. This isn’t something new. If you’ve known me long enough you know that I rarely if ever am at a lack of words.

I haven’t really been talking though. Of course I’ve been commenting on certain subjects occasionally. I’ve been watching what’s happening in the world and talking to myself about how I feel about them. I’ve been talking AB’s ears off and venting to my friends. I’ve even been filling up journals…Yet, I have this amazing open platform, all of the technology one could ever need to access it and I haven’t really been saying anything on here.

I felt like I didn’t have anything to add to the conversations.

Like I wasn’t intelligent enough to string my sentences in a way that would make people feel things. In a way that would foster some sort of change. Even if the change were small.

Most embarrassingly; I have been holding my tongue so as to not offend my friends and family members with my view points on certain issues.

The greatest gift that I received from Roxane Gay’s talks during the Decatur Book Festival was the confirmation that “I have something to say.”  and that people need to hear it.

So on Authentically Adrien’s first birthday I’m revamping the blog. It’s going to be more organized, more direct, and I am going to be saying some things. If you’ve stuck with me this long I am so thankful for you.

I appreciate every single person who has ever even glanced at this blog. I hope that you stick around to listen to what I have to say.

Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.

I’m a day behind on NaBloPoMo and I couldn’t decide whether to write for day three or four but when I read the writing prompts aloud day 3 prompted me to sing “Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings Trying to Forget My Feelings of Love.” in my best Steve Urkel voice. I’m not really trying to forget my feelings of love, that’s just the way my mind works. If I hear or read certain phrases I just break out into song or into a monologue from one of my favorite films. I’m sure there is a word for this I’m just too lazy to look it up right now.

Today has actually been a pretty happy day. I woke up determined to be happy and even though I struggled with my emotions a couple of times I was able to stay on my high flying disc at least eighty nine percent of the day.

I had a conversation with someone last week about feelings. She was telling me that a group of people claimed that I am rude and unhappy when they were around. I responded by saying that I’m not rude but I feel that these people exclude me and block me out. Her take was that I wasn’t giving her anything concrete. Because I was emotional I couldn’t fully portray to her that both sides of the equation were about feelings and since feelings are real neither are invalid. Furthermore, if we are all a mirror of each other couldn’t the case be that we were both playing off of negative emotions and not only drawing off of things that don’t exist but making them worse through our beliefs on both sides. Wouldn’t the proper fix be to actually sit down, hash out these bad feelings, and clear the air. Le sigh. In a perfect Sitcom this would’ve been the fix but alas this is the real world and the fix is not that simple. Or is it. We may never know.

Lately I have been having all of the feels but I hope to be cresting the ridge of the Sad Adrien Mountain. Best feeling of the day? Sitting in the hot tub after a busy day of working and getting my documents together for my mortgage application.

Although I’m struggling with my public sharing I’m so happy that I decided to do a NaBloPoMo this month. So far these free writes have been a life saver.