November 2016 is the girl you dated for two weeks who stole your Billy Blanks DVDs and iPhone cords. It needs to go and never come back again.

I hate when people consume things that are not for them and then complain about it when they get it. I’m so not here for all of the ignorant homophobic cisgendered people breaking the Beauty of Moonlight down with their “innocent” Facebook questions and tweets. Like it’s not for you. If you don’t like ketchup on your grits don’t eat the shit. I don’t enjoy men so I just don’t go get me one. I also don’t write think pieces questioning aspects of heterosexual relationships. It’s not my cup of tea so I let the people who drink it deal with its nuances. 

Question: When did you know you were straight?

I don’t share myself often because most people can’t be trusted. It’s not very enlightened of me but *shrugs* it also is what it is.
If we all act like The Blonde Toupee doesn’t exist will he go away? Let’s try. Ok? Ok.

My favorite body is the one I have first thing in the morning. Right after peeing, when my nonexistent abs can be seen if I stand on one leg and squint my head to the left in a smoky bathroom mirror.

Is it weird that I’ve thought of my trainer every time I sat on the toilet today? My hamstrings hurt so good. 

Lots of people talk about how their mate is their best friend. I love my wife and we are friends but she is not my best friend. My best friend and I send inappropriate memes via text message all day. AB is definitely not here for that.

I’m uber grateful that DJ chose Track. Tonight my cousin has a basketball game directly after DJ’s track meet. The noise inside of this gymnasium is unbearable. 

Coach Miller is still too fine *waves* Hey Coach Miller! 

I say things are interesting when I don’t care for them. Today was an interesting day. It didn’t do anything to me… not really. I just didn’t like it.