Since I Can’t Kick and Scream.

As an adult laying on the ground kicking and screaming is frowned upon and heavens forbid you hit or kick an actual person. 

The following things are either illegal or frowned upon so even if you really wanted to you can not:

Kick your spouse.

Even though they seem to relish in only noticing the things that they think you haven’t done while negating to thank you for the 2,653,712.5 things that you have actually done. Not even if you just wanted it to be a play kick. 

Punch your child. 

Even though they are famous for always asking you for things at the last possible minute. “Sign my report card.” As you pull up to the school. “I need money for the trip.” As you prepare to drive off after dropping them off in the school parking lot. “Can I stay at Host?” As you are in the car on the way to pick them up. Not even one of those fake punches where you grab your hand back at the second to last moment.

Choke your employee

 Not even when they have screwed everything up and broken promises that they made to you in exchange for things that they have now already gotten leaving you practically high and drive. Even though that Homer Simpson choke looks so appetizing in this moment.

Yell obscenities at the check out clerk of the grocery store.

Even though you asked her to put the items in paper bags. I mean yeah, leaving the reusable bags at home was your fault but how flipping hard is it to put things in paper when you responded to her paper or plastic question with “Paper please”?

You can’t even push the vendor who screws  you weekly.

Even though their claim to fame seems to be seeing how well than can screw up your day by delivering your parts way later than promised and then lacking any empathy for the fact that you now have to call the customer and tell them that the part is coming hours later than originally promised-onto the ground and kick him below the belt. Not even if you really really really want to. 

You can’t do any of those things. Even though commiting acts of violence sometimes sounds so amazing.

But twice a week my personal trainer comes to my house and for an hour I get to kick, punch, squat, throw, pull, push, and scream obscenities. All while burning massive amounts of calories and melting my fat away.

Thank you Universe and Nick. You’ve saved so many imaginary lives.


Disclaimer: I would never harm another person unless it was in self defense. Especially my family. They’re my world. They drive me absolutely bonkers but I wouldn’t trade them for all of the tea in China. 

Randomness 11.30.16

November 2016 is the girl you dated for two weeks who stole your Billy Blanks DVDs and iPhone cords. It needs to go and never come back again.

I hate when people consume things that are not for them and then complain about it when they get it. I’m so not here for all of the ignorant homophobic cisgendered people breaking the Beauty of Moonlight down with their “innocent” Facebook questions and tweets. Like it’s not for you. If you don’t like ketchup on your grits don’t eat the shit. I don’t enjoy men so I just don’t go get me one. I also don’t write think pieces questioning aspects of heterosexual relationships. It’s not my cup of tea so I let the people who drink it deal with its nuances. 

Question: When did you know you were straight?

I don’t share myself often because most people can’t be trusted. It’s not very enlightened of me but *shrugs* it also is what it is.
If we all act like The Blonde Toupee doesn’t exist will he go away? Let’s try. Ok? Ok.

My favorite body is the one I have first thing in the morning. Right after peeing, when my nonexistent abs can be seen if I stand on one leg and squint my head to the left in a smoky bathroom mirror.

Is it weird that I’ve thought of my trainer every time I sat on the toilet today? My hamstrings hurt so good. 

Lots of people talk about how their mate is their best friend. I love my wife and we are friends but she is not my best friend. My best friend and I send inappropriate memes via text message all day. AB is definitely not here for that.

I’m uber grateful that DJ chose Track. Tonight my cousin has a basketball game directly after DJ’s track meet. The noise inside of this gymnasium is unbearable. 

Coach Miller is still too fine *waves* Hey Coach Miller! 

I say things are interesting when I don’t care for them. Today was an interesting day. It didn’t do anything to me… not really. I just didn’t like it. 

Randomness 11.29.16

I’m tired. Like “I’s tired bawse.” Tired

Darian is a privileged child who could easily turn into someone who suffers from affluenza. I’m working on preventing that with my entire being.

Being in business for oneself definitely requires a vagina. I know people like to brag about how big their balls are but I’ve seen enough porn to know that vaginas are the stronger of the two. 

If I had the money I would totally hire a full time housekeeper and cook. Working all day, running around for Darian, running around for AB, running around for the shops, and doing everything else I do is pretty damn hard. A housekeeper and a cook would be so perfect right about now.

My grandma is in the hospital. Scared shitless doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

I really want some caramel popcorn from Garrett’s or some place equally as good. *crosses fingers and asks the Universe*

I believe in God. And the Universe. And Allah. And Buddha. And. And. And. 

Speaking of Gods, Religious fanatics scare the shit out of me. Especially Christians because they’re so widely accepted that people don’t even question half of the craziness they spout.

Left Right Center and Friendsgiving are all that are right with the world. 

I won’t comment on how the future president is a four year old with a wifi connection. A rich four year old with lack of self control. The type of kid who kicks his mom and calls her a bitch at McDonalds when she only lets him get two packets of BBQ sauce for his chicken nugget happy meal. The kind of four year old who calls his dad by his first name and pisses on the floor of the towel aisle of Target because he wants “a fucking toy now Brad!!” The type of kid who slaps the maid in her face when she won’t let him pour milk all over the place. Yup. That’s the future president of this company.

This Ancestors shirt is the Business. 

Randomness 11.13.16

Randomness 11.13.16
Darian is making breakfast with the same supplies I was supposed to use for brunch. *shrugs* back to the grocery I go.
AB wanted to go to the beach today but she refuses to sit by the pool with me under a blanket. I’m side eyeing her harder that I side eye Drumpfs combover. 
Dr. Marnita has a solution for all of my male friends who are losing their hair. I mean unless they insist on looking like the The aforementioned.
I thought about going home for Thanksgiving but the way my bank account is setup. Also I still need a roof. Anyone wanna give me a small loan of a million dollars?
Then I thought about driving home for Thanksgiving til I remembered that the drive is over 18hrs and ain’t nobody got time for dat.
Most weekends my nephews come over. Today…Today they finally asked for a toothbrush. When I went to give them the toothbrushes they were brushing their teeth with their pointer fingers. #BoysAreGross 
Most Americans read on a seventh grade level but we stay talking shit about “third world countries” who can outwork the hell out of us in most everything. #ReadMoreBooks
#MakeAmericansStudyCivics20Now
I used to say that I didn’t pass gas. I burped. But then I started getting my GI system corrected and ūüėź every morning there’s a whole concert as I wake up. Like is there a way to make this not happen? I’m asking for a friend. 
I didn’t get the BuzzFeed Fellowship. For now I’m done crying. Maybe I should go on a hike through the woods. 
Happy Sunday peeps. America ain’t never been as great as some of y’all think but we can get it there. Today though, let’s rest.

Randomness 11.11.16

If I cook with jalape√Īos, which I do most nights of the week, I’m guaranteed to burn my lips, eyes, or some other orifice with my jalapeno hands.

DJ’s new tutor is hot. I’ve officially witnessed how my child acts around beautiful women. Within ten minutes he’s gotten really into what they’re working on. #BestMoneyIveSpentAllYear

#BlackLivesMatter

If I ate better I would be in killer shape. My trainer is the best thing since sliced bread. Ask my thighs.

I opened a bottle of wine two days ago. Tonight I shall finish it. Pinky Promise.

Growing up I learned how to make a dollar stretch especially when it comes to food. Tonight I’m making nachos cause that’s the food I have in my house aka I’m too ugh to grocery shop and the Shipt delivery woukd be too late. Also, I’m committed to living beneath my means in case I need my pesos to get out of this country quick.

Every day I feel like I’m getting a better look at what 1954 was like. I don’t like it.

I think it’s Winter in Tampa. It’ll probably last a week but I’m going to get all of the use out of my boots.

I went to a party. One of the kindest most free hearts in Tampa just moved into her new place. AB talked me in to going and I had a lot of fun. Guardedly.

I’m still hurting. Still loving. Still laughing. Still hurting.

It’s Not That Bad

Yesterday at school some kid told DJ that Trump was supposed to win because white people are the backbone of this country. They’re in middle school. This is the nar that they’re parents are teaching them.

After our workout last night a car rolled through our neighborhood and screamed out “white people”.

I have many friends who are saying it’s not that bad or that nothing is going to happen. I’m sure that these same thoughts were thought during every horrible incident in history. I pray that these instances were flukes. I do not believe they were. 

I read the article that lists what Trump plans to do in his first 100 days. As I thought it would be, it is horrible for our country. For the environment. For our world. 

This is the world we live in. 

The Book of Unknown Americans

I originally started writing a typical review of this book but last night I had a text conversation with my cousin and I realized how boring that review was so here goes:

I loved the book of Unknown Americans: I gave it 5 STARS. 

Mayar and Maribel’s teenage love story is the love story of two teenage¬†neighbors who fall in love in the most American way in spite of their Americaness constantly being denied. There’s seeing each other in a way that no one else does, stolen kisses, and stolen moments of teenage rebellion that lead to the most fucked up shit. Adding to their love story is the fact that it isn’t tied up neatly with a bright red bow.

In The Book of Unknown Americans we travel with a group of neighbors who live in a building full of other immigrants as they make their way from their respective lands and end up in Maryland in this apartment building. The journeys of each tenant gives the reader insights into the reasons why people leave their homes, their families, their lives, their beautiful native lands of Puerto Rico, Panama, Mexico, Columbia- to chase the American Dream.

In the story we are forced to bare witness to the ugliness that immigrants are forced to deal with; poor working conditions, racial profiling, harassment, robbery, bullying, the constant feeling of less than, while trying to survive and get a piece of the elusive American Pie.

And I loved the journeys. Up until this book I had a very minimal understanding of why people would leave home for America only to be frequently ridiculed and treated like a burden.

So that’s the love. Now for the hate. I’ll keep it brief. Check it under this Spoiler Alert:

-SPOILER ALERT-

THINGS I HATE:

  • ALMA- Keeper of secrets that cause harm for the stupidest of reasons. ALMA, why the eff didn’t you at least try to get a job washing laundry, cooking, babysitting, something? Why is your family struggling whilst you try to find your damn self and threaten teenagers in a language that you can barely speak? ALMA, most of this is your fault.
  • The shifting of characters is a bit to get used to as each character tells their story in the first person narrative style and some stories feel more authentic than others.
  • The glossing over of Garret Miller’s life. There’s enough there to gather that this family has problems but if this character is going to be the antagonist that character’s life and encounters can’t be written as an after thought.

I recommend that most people read this book especially people who think that immigrants are stealing their jobs, want to Make America Great Again, ¬†tell other people to “Go back where you came from” and those who say ¬†“We speak English in America if you can’t speak the language then go back home.”

I Got Nothing But Gifs For You Baby

I know as a black femme woman I’m supposed to be here for Azalea Banks but I can’t. She’s that one skinny girl from the projects who kept fucking with the boys until one popped her in the mouth. Like I feel bad that she got spit on but I have better places to put my anger. She totally needs to go sit all the way down. Can we order her into counseling? Some is direly needed.

Some people lose Facebook friends over who they’re voting for. I lose Facebook friends over people calling me stupid over who I’m voting for. I don’t even say a thing just *unfriend* or *unfollow* they’ll notice six months from now when my likes are missing from the pics of their new kitten.

Speaking of Kanye did he really say that Jay-Z and his kids don’t play together? Maybe because like cousin Azalea up top Kanye is always in some shit. My mama used to kill plenty of friendships of mine because the friend was too messy. #YouAreWhoYouHangWith 


I’m so over this damn election cycle. If I only had two fast forwards left in my fast forward bank I’d totally fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving. I need time to bake my pies. 

I love my wife. I love my child. #Simple


If I ever become a name dropper please slap me and remind me of this post. *curtsies* Thanks in Advance 

10 Random Things 10.12.16

1. I’ve been feeling really guilty lately. For being alive, for being depressed, for complaining about this hole in my roof while being lucky enough to have a roof over my head. And friends who come over and tarp it without you asking them to.

2. Darian is 5’6″ tall, when I found out I was really excited. He’s growing. He’s taller than both of his moms and the same height as his dad. Then I realized that he’s 5’6″ and in this country he could be mistaken for a man. A black man. So he went from being officially the same height as his dad to officially public enemy number one in a matter of moments. All in my head. Where I keep the things I dare not say. 

3. I really really really fucking want this fellowship. Like stupid dumb crazy want. AB says that since I’ve applied I need to move on and work on the other writing things that I need to be working on and to give those things my focus. Which I have. But I’m also internally fretting over whether I will get it or not. 

4. I wish that I were closer to my siblings. Sometimes being in my self appointed isolation gets old. 

5. Candida is the devil.

6. My grandma is lying to me about her cancer. She keeps saying that everything is wonderful while she is losing weight and showing other signs of deconditioning. I love her dearly for those lies.

7. I allowed myself to start wanting things. I now feel like I am in a perpetual state of wantingness. (I am aware that I just made that word up.)

8. I’m tired of being so aware of my blackness. It’s 2016. The promise was that we would be so much further by now. They lied.

9. I really want some ice cream. See number 5. Life.

10. I’m reading Small Great Things by Jodie Picoult. So far it is amazeballs. I hope she doesn’t fuck this up. 

Love, peace, and hair grease. 

Travel Chronicles Act I

Laguardia Airport. There’s a Spanish lady white shirt, black pants, sensible black shoes. She’s driving a Toyota SUV. She’ll get you to wherever you’re going. It’s going to cost you $75. She doesn’t give a solitary fuck if you take her up on this offer. 

Her face says “Don’t give me no shit. Take it or leave it. The price is the price.” 

She’s appealed to a woman who follows behind her like a puppy waiting for her to get enough riders to make this trip worthwhile. The group of Asian ladies are not here for this lady, her brash demeanor, and they’re really not here for the $75 a piece. $75 times 5? No.

There’s a guy. White. Black suit, white shirt, leather computer bag. Typical New York business man. He’s not here for her shit but he needs a ride. 

“Sir, it’s gonna be an hour ride. I’ll get you there. You wanna go or Not?” She pauses in her steps barely momentarily as she allows him to make up his mind. She has shit to do. He follows. They leave.